new life

wait!

when i woke up my arms were wrapped around newts waist, he was already up and was playing on his phone, the tinny sound of clash of clans hitting my ears. i lifted up my head to check the time, blinking away the sleep dust. we still had two hours to be up.

i dropped my head back onto the pillows, burying my face in his t shirt.

"morning"
i mumbled through the fabric. my eyes closed as i breathed in deep, he smelt of cologne and mint leaves, i craves the warmth he was providing- it felt like i couldn't get enough

"good morning"
newt chuckled back, after a moment he placed his phoned down and i felt him move around in my grip. i opened my eyes again to see he had twisted round so he was facing me. i blinked. shit i probably seem really weird now- i'm sure if he'd known i was awake before he would have moved. but i didn't, oh god.

"sorry. i'll- i'll let go of you"
i muttered. suddenly aware he might be uncomfortable. his face fell slightly as i unlatched my arms. newt furrowed his eyebrows, a frown forming on his face.

"why?"
he asked bluntly. i blinked. i felt like it was obvious

"wel we're not dating or anything so..."

i managed to get out. that was my only reasoning. what the shucks the matter with me?

this seemed like the wrong thing to say because newts face fell. he picked himself up and off the bed. staring at me with a mixture of emotions i has trouble placing. he took a breath as if he wanted to ask something but dropped his shoulders back down and headed for the door.

"i think- i think i'll go see minho for a bit..."
he muttered as he reached for the handle, i'd never moved so fast in my life as i scrambled to grab his arm. what did i say? i moved to make him more comfortable, i didn't want him to leave i thought he'd want me to!

"wait"

because i didn't want him to go. i didn't want to keep pretending i don't like waking up with him beside me and i didn't want to spend time away from him right now.

"don't go..."

newt frowned deeper,he turned to fully face me- arms tightly crossed.

"why tommy? shucking why then?"

"i- it's..."
i couldn't put them into words i wanted to- goddamnit i wanted to. newt let out a hefty sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose like this very conversation (if you could call my few and fumbled words a conversation) was giving him a splitting headache.

"look i can't keep doing this, you can't keep doing this- you act all lovey dovey and so shucking domestic with me then you jump away like you're wearing a shock collar, one moment it's like we're married, the next it's like i'm you frat bro and your patting my shoulder after an american football game! so what is it? do you like me or are we 'bro's'"

he put the final word in agressive air quotes, he glared at me as if i'd kicked a cat and now i felt so dumb, this wasn't fair to him the way i'd been- i kept dismissing his actions and kept telling myself i didn't like him, how even if i did he wouldn't want me. and now it's got to the point where either i tell him at this moment or he's out that door and i had a strong feeling if i let him go there was no way i'd get him back.

my eyes inadvertently dropped to his lips, his did the same. clearly i had gone on too long with my internal monologue cause newt scoffed bitterly and turned back towards the door, this time i pulled him towards me. clearly words would get me nowhere- i could barely choke out a sentence. grabbing his waist with one hand and cupping his cheek with the other, i looked to his lips. he did the same.