Dear Diary

never ending cycle

you know what hurts more?
being left alone in a room full of,
guilt
sadness
depression
emptiness
dark
lonely.

those words describe all the feelings that surround my room. it hurts you know. to feel this way at sixteen. i've lived through depression since I was thirteen. and it started at twelve, at that age I should be happy and hanging out with friends. that never happened, instead I was home, sad, studying or on my phone most of the time. I was always useless for everything. when I was kid coming from a hispanic family getting hit was a normal thing for me, I cried and then later on it stopped and I didn't care anymore it didn't hurt anymore and I was okay. I could care less for it. you see when it comes from being in a hispanic household, you listen to what your told and you do it. no exceptions, and coming from a father who was very strict and didn't care to bother for her daughter at a young age as she grew up she became the best for herself but she was only doing it to make her dad proud and i'm sure that didn't work out. at thirteen she had a brother and that changed her life completely. she became more distant with herself and more distant with her family. they left didn't bother to care for her, they would rarely ask if she wanted to go but her answer was always no. why bother they would only care for him. it's funny because when I was younger my dad would always tell me he wanted a boy and when he found out I was a girl he was happy but I could tell he was disappointed. I mean who wouldn't want a girl right? too much to handle, they always beg for what they want right? too much for him to handle. as I grew up I was always sweet I was a bad kid when I was little but that's because we all go through that and as I became older I started to realize the problem, I was never allowed to speak my mind, never allowed to talk when I got the chance because my opinion never mattered it never did and it never mattered to him. everything I said to my dad was always something "stupid" and when I would speak my opinion it was always "ya para con tus pendejadas"  "stop with your stupidness" it was always a joke to him it was always offensive. I got off topic but when my brother was born he was always had the attention and that's okay I was glad they finally had to look away from me for once but that lasted years till they finally realized I was there. it's funny because every time they could call my name it was always for something, never got a conversation it was always,do this , do that. and everything I did to my brother was always my fault. he fell it's my fault. it became my fault after that. everything I do now is my fault. and it sucks, it really does and nobody seems to realize that. at the age of thirteen I wanted to commit. it was one of the worst years of my life and I would never want to remember that year again. I survived I met online friends who now have my back and supported me through years and years of suffering. they watched my cry and vent and listen to what I had to say. because of them I wouldn't be able to express some of the feelings I have now. I owe them the world for what they did to help me feel good about myself. I thank them for helping me heal and i'm still healing.

just remember your not alone.
this helped me heal.
i'm still healing and although I go through bad times all the time it always ends
it might not have ended for me but i'm making the best of it
i'm learning and i'm thriving
and you can too
i'm here for you.
I love you.

-B.J