𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧 | 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝟏𝟏𝟕𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬

[41] - Reminiscing

Even after Russell wakes halfway through the night to allow me to rest, I still can't fall asleep. I'm kept away by the nervous energy that fills my body in anticipation of the ever-approaching end to the Games. Will Helvius decide to end the Games once and for all tomorrow, or will he decide to flip the switch tonight? Are we mere minutes away from having our fates decided?

The nerves I feel are hopeful nerves, though. I don't dread what is coming, because I've already accepted my fate. There are no what-ifs for me. I know Russell is anxious about tomorrow, though. I can see it on his face.

Maybe I've lied a bit. Maybe I do feel a little uncertain about what will happen in the next twenty-four hours, and maybe that's what's really keeping me up tonight. What if I sacrifice myself for Russell and Amanda kills him anyway? Wouldn't it be better for me to try and survive than to let a Career tribute kill us after everything we've worked for?

I sigh into the silence of the night. Amanda's never done anything to me, sure, but I just can't let her win these Games. It wouldn't be right. Her sister already won a few years ago, and she's been acting like she deserves for everything to be handed to her. Well, I won't hand this to her without a hell of a fight.

When Amanda strung that arrow back and let it fly into Midas' chest, something shifted in this Arena, and there's no going back. Maybe I never believed in myself enough before, but I truly never thought about surviving the Games. Only now am I thinking about what it could be like - returning to District Five as a hero, living the rest of my life in peace. I know none of that is possible, though. I'm no hero, and I'll hardly find peace running away from the demons that are chasing me even now.

Final Three. Before the Games, who would've guessed that I'd make it here? Not Simon, I'll tell you that. Not even me. And therein lay my biggest flaw: I never believed in myself. I relied on Damien and Sienna to make me feel like I was worthy when I was worthy the whole time. I could've made it here on my own if I'd set my mind to it, but I was so busy wrapping myself around Sienna and Damien's fingers that I was ready to die at the Feast.

I think that's what changed once Midas died, because I outlived him, and that's something that I never thought would happen. It took longer than it needed to - truly, I should be dead - but it's here now. I deserve to be here, and I believe in myself now more than ever.

It's poetic, in a way. All Damien and Sienna did was think of themselves. I was always an afterthought to my brother, and Sienna wanted to blow up our alliance to run away with a boy simply because she wanted to. And where are they now?

The thought of Damien and Sienna makes me shudder. Bad memories all around. Only now am I realizing how tightly I clung to them in an insecure attempt to feel like I belonged somewhere. I wanted Damien to accept me so badly that I stuck myself to him even when he had no plans to protect me in here. And Sienna... well, the whole world saw how that turned out at the Feast.

I crack my eyes open to see Russell sitting next to me. How differently would everything have turned out if I'd been with Russell from the beginning? Not just Russell - if I'd simply allied with people who cared about me from the start. Lindsay or even Casper would've taken care of me. I would've been much better off with those people than I was with my 'friends'. 

It feels stupid to look back on how I acted two weeks ago and think about how much I've changed, but I really do feel like a completely different person. After the things I've done and seen in the Arena, I have to. That insecure, clueless girl is gone now. It took more prodding than it should have, but I know now that this is a fight to the death, and you can never completely trust someone unless they've saved your life like Russell did. Sienna never owed me anything, and I was too foolishly in love to see that before she betrayed me.

But would I have done the same? If Sienna was some insecure girl who wanted to be my friend so badly that she got between me and, say, my brother, would I have betrayed her like that? I don't have an answer, because I was never in that situation. Who knows what I would've done. From her perspective, maybe I deserved it for what I tried to do to her.

I sigh, closing my eyes again. No point in thinking about the past - all of that is over now, and despite enduring the worst tragedies of my life, I'm still here. I have to think about the present and the future. Three of us remain, and only one survives.

Despite my newly found self-confidence, I still feel like I don't belong here, like I've snuck all the way to the end of the Games without anyone noticing me enough to kill me. Amanda and Russell have worked so hard to be here, and I feel like I'm just here because of a fluke.

I don't feel like I deserve to win the Games, but I don't think that's a shocking opinion. I nearly died after all, and if Russell hadn't chosen to save me I wouldn't be here.

It'll all be over soon... whether I deserve to be here or not, my fate will be decided very soon, and then it'll all be over. All the stress, all the paranoia, everything will all cease, and these cursed Games will finally reach its conclusion.

~ ~ ~

A/N - Might go back and edit this more later but here it is for now! The Games will finally finish in the next chapter!

~S