I seem to be... happy?
I wake up, and am surprisingly well rested, and in a good mood.
This worries me.
I think back to what happened last night, and catch myself smiling.
This also worries me.
It isn't that I don't want to be happy, it's just I'm worried that if I do become happy, that everything and everyone that makes me feel happy and safe will be taken away from me.
I guess you could say I have trust issues. I don't fully believe that.
I think that everyone (except Patton) has trust issues, even if they aren't prevalent. And, most of the time, our 'trust issues' are justified. Like locking our cars, for example. Why do we do it? Because some people try to steal other people's cars. Why do we not leave our items alone in public spaces? Because we don't trust strangers. We don't trust them because some people steal from others.
I believe that my 'trust issues', in this situation, are justified. Many people have had people they cared about taken away from them, so I don't see why expressing my worries causes the others to say:
"You're worrying too much, kiddo."
"This is a great example of a cognitive distortion. We've already gone over this, but I guess it isn't bad to come back to a lesson every once in a while."
And, finally, the best response I think any of them could think of:
"Don't worry Virgil! No one could ever take me away, for I am the Great Prince Roman! Why, I even carry a sword at my side, just in case the Dragon Witch ever tries to steal any of us away!"
It took everything in me to not bust out laughing after Princey said that. Princey sure is something. And by something, I mean delusional. He always talks about this 'Dragon Witch'. None of us have ever seen anything remotely close to what he has described her to look like. He must've made it up.
"Thanks. That really..." I couldn't help it, I laughed a little bit, looking away from all of them. "That really helped." I said, once I stopped laughing. When I looked back at all of them, I found them all looking at me.
"Virgil did you just... laugh?" Thomas said, with a small smile on his face.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I said, suddenly turning serious. We are filming, after all, and I did not want anyone to see that. EVER. I was supposed to be the dark, edgy side. Not the happy side. "I never laugh." I say, looking around the room (sort of) discreetly to see if they were looking at me like I was a disgusting creature.
They were all smiling at me. Not a teasing smile, but a genuine smile. It almost looked like they were proud of me.
I looked at the floor, and started fidgeting a bit. "Um, anyways, I'm gonna... go." I said, before leaving.
I crashed onto my bed, covering my face. "That was sooo embarrassing." I sigh and grab my headphones, deciding it would be better to not let my mind wander and overthink it all.
It takes me a bit to find a song that would be the best to block all the thoughts, but I finally decide on Goodbye My Love by Lovehatehero. It successfully blocks the thoughts. I close my eyes and hum to the song. I realized that since I woke up late and had to film almost as soon as I woke up, that I hadn't eaten yet. I figured that the others were still filming, so I teleported downstairs and decided to make myself some food. I checked the time, 12:30. Just in time for lunch.
I made myself some avocado toast. I know that it doesn't really fit my brand, but avocado toast is definitely one of the greatest foods to ever exist. It's also great since it requires very little time to make and you only need 2 ingredients (unless you're fancy like me and put everything but the bagel seasoning on top).
