Guilty Pleasure

Twenty-five: new beginnings at the end of it all

"I've always heard every ending is also a beginning and we just don't know it at the time. I'd like to believe that's true."
~ Emily Prentiss

Jean

Strutting through the entrance of the BAU, I greeted a few colleagues on my way to the elevators. Here a wave there another and I disappeared in the technical device, which brought me up to my floor. The soft elevator music filled the silent air around me and the weight of my bag pulled down my left shoulder. Cool wind from the air conditioner above my head allowed a soft layer of coldness to hug my nude arms and back.

The dinging sound appeared and a greedy little smile appeared along with pink hair and a green bow in-between. I quickly sucked in a breath at the sight of her.

"Jean!" She squealed from the top of her lungs as she ran into the elevator and hugged me so tightly it restricted my air pipe for a second. "You are glowing, princess!" A wet kiss to my cheek earned me to slightly cringe, though as I caught her smiling face I returned the expression.

"It's in the middle of summer, I think that's just sweat, Penelope." I giggled and the doors closed behind us. "So.. how are things with Anthony from IT?" I cocked a brow and glimpsed at the woman to my left, whose face turned a deep shade of red.

"None of your business, sneaky lady." She muttered in her flustered state and I was briefly reminded of her stoic expression I noticed, once I woke up in hospital.

I was not sure what my first thought was as I cracked my eyes open and the burning pain coated my whole body. All I knew was that a rather familiar feeling had returned. Once Emily's face appeared in front of me, I couldn't stop crying. I was... miserable to say the least. Doyle's attempt to get his heir failed, yet the humiliation and disgust wouldn't leave my body for a while. I assumed everyone from the team had heard about what happened to me, which earned me to treat the woman I loved most of them the worst. I punished her for something she did not do. Something that was not her fault. I was kicked right into a depressive episode for months on end. I actually was forced to take time off by Emily's order, which must have been a difficult decision to make especially for her back then.

There was one moment in particular I remembered. A moment in which I slowly allowed myself to be vulnerable again. It was about four months after it was clear I was not pregnant. I laid on the couch in our living room. It was the place I slept and stayed all these months after the hospital. I couldn't bear the image of a comforting room and a woman so loving and caring. It ripped me apart every time I saw Emily. Yet one late afternoon, the exhaustion got the better of me.

My eyes cracked open, after soft footsteps reached the shell of my ear. With a blurry view, I glared forward; blinking it clear.

"I didn't mean to wake you." Emily's tired face met my gaze, whilst she kneeled down in front of me. Her worried eyes searching for mine.

With a shaky hand she reached forward. She hadn't done this in over a month, since I rejected her all the time. I pulled my hand away. The guilt immediately hit me and tears gathered in my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I breathed out. "I'm so sorry."

I hadn't exactly dared to speak up after every time I did it caused a fight.

"Shh.. there is absolutely nothing you have to be sorry for, my angel." The brunette's voice assured. "Is it okay for you if I sit with you?" I swallowed quietly, body aching with memories. "I'll sit on the ground. My hands stay with me —I'll put my hand here and when you are ready, I'm here. No pressure. Take your time. It can be hours, days or another four months if you need it." Her palm placed itself on the edge of the couch.