The Unheard Stories.

Moments

It's these moments that you just want to disappear. Just disappear. Doesn't matter where you go, just away from everything. To get away from everyone. To not deal with all the drama. Forget about trying to fit in. Forget everything. Wake up in a new place, that know one doesn't know you. A place where people that won't judge you. But I know there isn't a place like that. No matter where you are, there is always someone that will judge. Judge the way you look. Or how smart you are. They would judge you for anything. There is always going to be someone that puts you down. I finally know who that person is. That person is me. I am that someone who puts me down. The person that makes me feel like shit. The person that makes me want to disappear. That person is me. I hate myself because I can never run from myself. Who can? My own enemy is myself. She knows all my weakness. She knows how to bring me down with just a couple words. I want to disappear. I want to forget. I don't want to remember anything. I want to wake up and not remember anything. To forget the people. To forget everything. To just forget. I want to restart, but there is no time machine. People say to forget the past. How can you. All I can think is about the past. I remember all the mistakes I do. I try to learn from them. But when I remember my mistakes I try not to do them, but the thing is I make the same mistakes over and over again. So for not making any of my old mistakes, I don't do anything. People say I always say something stupid or I am too loud, so I stay quiet. People say I always move around too much, so I don't move. People say I am not social, but when I talk to people they ignore me. Is there something wrong I am doing? Why is society telling me bullshit. I thought I could be like my sister. To be poplar and social. people to like me. To be the pretty one. But I could never be that. People say that people are going to like you for the inside, but it doesn't look like that. Am I ugly on the inside too? Am I not social? Am I too awkward? Am I too weird? Am I am not smart? Am I all these things? This is what I am doing to myself. I always think negative. I only have a little hope that is holding me up. That hope is all you and all the girls. It is not Ethan or even my family. I know I will never have a chance with him. Leslie just gives me false hope. I act like that because I don't want her to make her mad. I didn't even want to tell her that I want to give up on him. I feel like I would hurt her or even giver more hope. You told me so many things about him and crystal told me things that I know I would be never more then a friend to him. I don't even know if we are friends? I don't know?? I hate how I over think everything. But who doesn't overthink things? There is always a moment that you overthink something. But I have a problem that I overthink everything. These are the reasons why I want to disappear. How can I do that? I don't want to hurt the people I care about. If i want something for myself, I know I am going to hurt someone. I don't want to do that. Even though I want to just disappear, I can't. Others can do that. I am scared that they will know something is wrong with me and I am not ready to tell any of the girls. I don't think I will ever be ready. I am scared they will think in was lying to them about everything, but there are moments that I was really happy. I don't want them to think that I lied to them. And this is the biggest secret I have ever had. I try to hide them, but I am scared to. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I feel like they would push themselves away from me. I barely talk to Vannesa. We don't even talk in Spanish anymore and I thought that was the place we can talk, but she is with her boyfriend. Is there a reason why people push me away? Am I just a bother? What is wrong with me??? What did I do? Am I the one pushing them away?? Someone tell me!!!! All these questions are in my head. I started to notice something. I have been drawing this girl. She has her hands in the back of her. I don't draw her face. I put a dress on her. But for some reason I put holes in it. She has bruises all over her. I have been drawing this for the past weeks. I don't know what this means. I am afraid to draw the face. Isn't that stupid?? I am scared of everything. Why can't I be brave like you... I scared of everything. Why?!? What is wrong with me?? That is the main question is why?? It is when I are alone, this happens.