Pain, suffering, and Jesus / Tom Koulitz

"DO NOT TRUST LIAM"

Dream (nightmare)

Five years ago.

It was, I think, 9 pm when I heard someone coming to my room. It was time for me to sleep, so I was already in my bed. The doors opened, and Stepdad came in. "What are you doing?" He asked gently. "I'm going to sleep," I said, not looking at him. He made me feel disgusting after what he was doing to me. I turned 12 when this discussing man raped me twice. And then, from that day, I had to deal with it because almost every day, he came to me and did that thing repeatedly.

I felt like I was his sex toy, and Mom didn't do anything. She didn't even care. I was threatened not to tell anyone what was going on at home. I was a kid then and scared that something worse would happen to me if I said someone anything. "You know what you have to, right?" He asked and sat down on my bed. I nodded but didn't do anything. This was the first time after a while that I didn't take off my clothes when he came in. I knew what would happen if I didn't do what he asked.

"Take them off." He yelled. I did a little bit flinched but still didn't take off my clothes. He got furious and took me. "You fucking brat. I warned you what would happen if you didn't listen to me." And then he threw me against the wall. I screamed when I landed on the cold floor. I couldn't breathe. I looked at him, and he took out a hand knife. I tried to get up but couldn't move. I felt like my body was dead after hitting the ground.

Stepdad was next to me and looking at me. "I have told you so many times there will be consequences if you don't listen to me, so here is the one. It will hurt, but you deserve it." Then he took my hand and raised his hand, which was the knife. I was screaming because I knew what would happen and suddenly heard someone call me. "Maria... Maria, wake up." Someone was yelling.

After the dream (nightmare)

I woke up screaming and breathing heavily. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Take a deep breath." Someone said. I recognised this voice. It was Tom, and I looked at him. "Everything is fine now." He said in a calm voice. "What are you doing here? How did you get in here?" I scared asked. "I was getting ready to do my morning run when I suddenly heard someone screaming. I looked at your house, and the scream came from it. I approached your house, and the scream came from your room. Your window was widely open." I looked at the window, and it was open. "Then I thought someone was hurting you, so I took the risk and tried to get in. I think you forget to lock your doors. I ran into your house and followed your scream. Then I opened your room doors, and you were sleeping and screaming. Was it a nightmare?" He asked. "Yea, yea, it was. Thank you for waking me up." I said quickly and pulled myself away from Tom, making him think I felt uncomfortable.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He said and got up. He walked to the doors and stood there. "It's fine. I just... What time is it?" I asked, still sleepy. "It's 5 am," Tom said. "5 am? Why so early do you run?" I asked while getting out of my bed. Tom turned around so he wouldn't watch me how I tidy up my pyjamas. "Could you please wait for me downstairs?" I asked him so I could get ready for today.

"Maybe you want to come with me to run?" He asked, turning back at me. "Tom, I would love to, but I have to put myself together what I just saw. I'm sorry." I said. "It's okay. You get ready, and I will return after my run to ensure you're ok." He said and smiled. I nodded and watched him leave. I looked out of my window, and there he was. "Happy birthday, by the way." He yelled. I was so surprised that he knew it was my birthday today. "Darja told me so you would know how I know. See you later, cutie." He said and ran away, putting on earphones.

I was so tired of everything. I was tired of my life significantly. I hated my life, and I wanted to end it. These stupid nightmares hunt me so bad and everything else. I miss my mom just because she is my mom. I want to hug her but at the same time throw her into the river. I just started my new life with my dad, who cares about me and is protective over me. But it's not enough for me. All my life was taken by that old, discussing and evil man. I can't believe my mom did nothing after all.