HOPELESS - [니키]

✭ 01

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❀ i miss you, mom
━━━━━━━━━━

Today was a sweet day. There were a few clouds in the sky and the birds were flying around as if every day was beautiful.

It had rained last night, so Hana hadn't slept much, but she was sure that it wasn't really because of that.

She woke up this morning wondering if she could last as long as she thought she could. Would her body be able to hold out long enough to enjoy a moment of her life ?

She was tired today, but it was an important day because it would determine the rest of her life.

Of her little life.

Today was the day Hana would find out if her illness had progressed or not. She just wanted to take her mind off things and not think about the worst, but she found it hard to believe that everything would be all right.

Her body was weaker, she was getting out of breath more quickly because of her illness and she could feel her heart beating even faster than usual.

Her heart was getting more and more tired and she knew it.

But she wanted to imagine a world where she could feel better, just a little better, and fill her days with joy, just as she dreamed.

However, the illness always brought her back to reality, to how her life really was.

Sad, dark and short.

She stared at the ground, imagining a life where she could run for miles without getting out of breath or even walk without feeling her heart clench with every movement, a world where her unhappiness didn't exist when her doctor since she was a child opened the door and invited her into his room.

"How are you feeling today, Hana ?" he had a big smile on his face and was used to comforting the young girl when something was wrong.

He had also accompanied her mother in her battle against lung disease and it was him who told her what her mother was like in everyday life, what kind of face she had and what she liked to do.

He was one of the few things that would bring Hana back to her mother.

From what his doctor had told her, she was a beautiful woman who loved life and loved giving love to people.

She knew that she would have less time than others, so she wanted to make all her dreams come true without waiting for tomorrow.

So she decided to get pregnant at 16 to experience life as a mother. It may have been selfish at the time, but she was 16 after all. She wasn't really thinking about all the consequences this could have for her, she was just a teenager.

She wanted to leave a trace of herself in this world and show her child that life is beautiful, despite the difficult battles you can have in your life.

She bring up her little girl on her own, with all the love she could give her. But Hana's mother died when she was just 5 years old, and all that remained of her were a few photos and videos. Nothing more.

"I don't really know, but I'd like to think my condition hasn't deteriorated since my last visit." she says, taking off her jumper.

Her doctor's face closed and he rub his hands. He went behind his desk and sat down heavily on his chair.

Hana felt her heart clench, but she didn't want to pay any more attention to it. She wanted to believe that everything was perfectly fine.

"I received the heart x-ray you took last week." he put his glasses back on and took the envelope out of a drawer in his desk. "Hana, it's not good at all."

She felt that he didn't dare look her in the eye, as if it was much more serious than he wanted to seem.

"What do you mean ?" she frowned, feeling a lump form in her stomach.

He took the radio out of the envelope, held it up to the window to let the light pass through and explained, "Your illness is causing oxygen to circulate poorly in your blood, which has created blood balls around your heart. If these blood balls were to explode, the shock would be too much for your body."

"What would be the consequence ?" asked the young girl curiously.

"A heart attack, Hana." he took off his glasses and stood up. "I don't need to know any more, everything's happening as it did with your mother, but the process is quicker. There's nothing we can do about what's happening to you."

Hana picked up her jumper without taking the time to put it back on and quickly left the room, head down because of her red eyes caused by her tears.

Ever since the first signs of this illness, she had known that she would have the same fate as her mother, that she too would not live as long as she should.

Yet she couldn't smile, couldn't give all the love she could like her mother did.

I wish I'd never been on earth,

never been born and never known all this.

I just want to live in happiness,

is it possible ?

Of course not,

how can I find life beautiful when death is eating me from the inside ?

For Hana, it was impossible to be happy.

She wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps, she had fought to the bitter end for her daughter, to stay with her as long as possible, but the disease always win.

༺❦༻

Thank you for reading this far <3
I'll try to write better in the future ;)
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