Angel Scars

Chapter Twelve

"What on earth are you doing?" My grandma whispered.
I sobbed hysterically once more. I couldn't handle all these emotions all at once.
I laid my hands in my head, feeling very defeated. I cannot believe that I forgot about my grandma sleeping in my bed. What a piece of shit you are. Cut yourself more. Worthless.....
"THE VOICES. THEY WILL NOT FUCKING STOP!!" I screamed.
"Angelica, sweetheart." I heard my grandma say behind me. I winced at her words. I know I'm also hurting not just me but also my family. I can't live like this.
I could feel her hand on my back, caressing me in a way that I needed Ryan to do it, but instead it was her.
Biting my tongue, I just decided to have her do it. I love my grandma, I do. But this is the last thing I need right now.
"I need to go the bathroom." I whispered.
Not looking at her, I picked up my razor and hid it in my pocket, walked out of my room and headed towards the bathroom.
Sitting down on the toilet, I pulled the razor out of my pocket and began slicing my arms again. I honestly didn't give a shit about the brand new cuts. I just kept going and going and going...
Watching all the blood pool around my cuts and falling the floor, tears mixing in with my blood, I didn't care. I just wanted to feel physical pain instead of mental pain.
"Angelica!!!!" I heard someone scream my name, and pounding the door.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed back.
"Please talk to me." I heard the feminine voice reply again.
With blood and tears all over my body, I decided to open the door. Taking that L.
"Oh my god." My mom shrieked, right across from me, taking me in.
This only made me sob even harder.
"Mom! I can't do this! I can't live like this!" I screamed.
"Angelica. You realize to be in the hands of God, this is not the way to do it. You're harming yourself. You're ruining your body, your temple. Are you crazy?" My mom exclaimed.
"Seriously?! I knew you were gonna pull this shit with me! What the actual fuck, mom! I'm hurting, why can't you see it?!"
"God loves you but he wouldn't wanna see you hurt yourself. I thought you'd wanna go to Heaven with me and your dad?" My mom crossed her arms over her chest and sighed.
You got to be kidding me.
"Mom. Just leave me alone. Please." I sobbed once more.
"You're sinning in the eyes of Jesus Christ. You're gonna go to Hell."
"Whatever!" I screamed. I made my way outside of the bathroom and ran into my room. Blood trailing down my arms and onto the floor. I kinda thought of it as karma, in a way, for my mom being such a rude bitch to me when I'm on the verge of killing myself.
Once I got to my room, I forgot about my grandma sleeping in my bed.
"Fuck!" I screamed out once again.
"Baby. Angel." I heard my grandma say. I rolled my eyes in response.
"What?" I sighed, sitting down on my bed.
"You seriously need to stop hurting yourself. It's not healthy." She said with sincerity. This made my eyes well up. I embraced that burning feeling in my eyes, wanting to feel physical pain once more.
"What's all this ruckus going on?" I heard footsteps and saw my dad walking in my room. I could hear my grandma sigh and watched her shake her head. This only made me cry more.
"Angelica." My dad said, walking towards me.
"What?" I whispered.
"Your mom is right. You need to stop hurting yourself, especially if you want to get into Heaven. Is that something you wanna do? Get into Heaven, or go to Hell?" My dad asked quietly. It looked like he was giving me puppy dog eyes, tears welling in them.
"Dad. I thought you'd be on my side, here." I whispered. I could feel a tear welling in my eye, dropping on my face down to my pants. I watched said tear soak in and then disappear on my thigh.
"It's not that I'm not on your side, it's just that your mother does have a point." He walked over to my side of the bed and tried to grab my hand but before he could do that, I quickly pulled my hand away from him. As soon as I did that, he looked defeated. But soon after, he looked a little shocked. Furrowing my brows in confusion, he must've noticed and looked at me.
"I got your blood on me." That defeated look immediately changed to disgust, and maybe even horror as to what has touched him.
"Angelica." He whispered. Shock then consumed him shortly thereafter.
I turned around, wanting to avoid his gaze and realized that my grandma must've passed back out. I sighed. Realizing that I'm not gonna get much sleep considering this morning's events.
As on cue, my dad sat up from sitting on my bed and walked away. Though to my surprise, my mom was standing right outside the door.
"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have said those harmful things to you, but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from." She paused for a moment before continuing.
"Though I will apologize for upsetting you. But considering everything with our religion, you need to understand that it's important to not hurt yourself to get into Heaven." She folded her hands together, pursing her lips.
"Mom, seriously? Again? Just leave me alone." I pleaded. She and my dad walked away in silence to leave me with my thoughts and of course my sleeping grandma next to me.
Grabbing my phone and sighing, I texted my best friend Ashley.
I'll admit, I haven't spoken to her as much ever since I've been seeing Ryan again. I think the last time I texted her was the night of baptism. Sporadic texts here and there but nothing major.
"Heyyy. I hope you're not too mad at me. I'm hoping we can talk."
I watched as my text message said delivered and waited for her response. My phone dinged a few minutes later.
"Hey. I know you haven't texted me in a while cuz of Ryan....but it's fine."
Shit.
"Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I just thought I'd hit you up again cuz I'm not doing okay. Can u call?"
I watched text bubbles show up then disappear. Anticipating her message, I chewed on my nails so roughly until I bled a little bit. Pain is all I know right now.
"Sure."
I put my phone on silent for a moment so I wouldn't wake up my snoring grandma next to me.
"Hey." I tried to not get too excited about hearing her voice again.
"What?" She said coldly. Her response took me by surprise. I'd thought she'd be excited to hear from me again.
"Listen, Ash. I'm so sorry for not texting you back. I've just been dealing with a lot, especially with school, parents.." My thoughts trailed off.
"Oh, I know. You've been with Ryan all this damn time, haven't you? Screwing him instead of being a good friend to me." She frustratedly replied.
"I've been dealing with a lot, as well like dealing with school as well and the popular girls and you don't seem to care. What kind of friend are you?"
"I-I-I don't know. I just, I don't know. I've been stuck in my own world, trying not to kill myself and yet you're worried about popular girls at school?"
"Oh Jesus Christ, Angelica. It's always about you, isn't it? Why don't you call your boyfriend and just leave me alone?" She hung up so abruptly that I couldn't even stand up for myself.
Sitting there with shock, I locked my phone and started to cry once more. I cannot believe that someone who thought was my best friend would talk to me like that especially when I'm on the verge of killing myself.
Though I began to really think about what Ashley said to me; about how I make things everything about me. But then again I do have a point of her caring more about popular girls, girls who barely know her over caring for me. Her best friend or so called friend now.
Sighing, I lied down next to my snoring and very out of it grandma. I plugged my phone in, not realizing that my hands were covered in old, flaky crusted blood now from earlier.
"Shit." I muttered to myself. This just made me wanna cry more.
What a piece of shit.
I curled up inside my blanket and just sat there, quietly sobbing so I don't wake up my grandma.
I can't believe every thing is falling apart between my eyes; me upsetting Ryan, cutting myself, parents and grandparents finding my scars, and especially being grounded from leaving the house even though I'll be an adult soon.
I'm just done. I'm so over it.
I eventually closed my eyes and I must've fallen asleep. I woke up to a bunch of text messages from Ryan. I could feel my stomach flutter.
Reading over his texts, I realized that someone must've told him about last night's events.
Shit.