The day it went downhill. -Tubbo angst, trans Tubbo au

Pretty decent, right?

Tubbo POV

TW: mentions of bullying, drinking, eating disorder, transphobia and facial dysmophoria (pls tell me if i missed any)

I was sitting on bed, but not really doing anything. I kinda just zoned out and i was thinking, thinking about my life. I don't really have it that hard, but i just feel like something is wrong. I feel.. wrong in my body, like im not in the right body. And i don't know what it means.

 My family is pretty decent. I have no siblings, a dad and a stepmom. My biological mother had a heart attack 3 years ago and ever sinds then my dad started drinking, but its not that bad. Sometimes he would come home late at night and maybe yell at my stepmom or in some cases even at me, but that's all.

My dad met my stepmom at a bar 1 year after my mom died, and she can be a bitch sometimes but as long as she makes my dad happy its ok. One time she hit at me because i dropped a glass, but she apologized the next day. She is really pretty tho, so i get why my dad chose her. When he first brought her home, i was upset that he replaced my mom and locked myself in my room for days. After i finally went out of my room, i didn't talk to both of them for at least 2 weeks. But eventually i got a bit used to her and started treating her like she is a part of the family, but it will never be the same as with my biological mom.

Ever sinds elementary school, i got bullied. They told me i was as fat as a pig and that i should lose weight, even tho i wasn't even that fat. Ever sinds then, i struggled with an eating disorder and never ate much. But then they bullied me for being underweight. I never really had any friends but i didn't really care about that because i don't like socializing anyway. even when i went to middle school, i still got bullied. I stopped caring and tried to ignore it, but sometimes i just couldn't because it went to bad. They poured water all over my books, put my head in the toilet, spit in my face and put dirt in my lunch. (when i brought some because most of the times i just didn't bring any)

I also struggle from facial dysmophoria, everytime i look in the mirror i either just can't look or i can't stop looking and telling myself how ugly i am. When we had to wear masks during corona, i was one of the few people who actually enjoyed it because i could hide a part of my face.

But that is not the reason i don't feel comfortable in my body. Something just feels... off. Sometimes i feel like i don't want to be a girl. I don't like being called Lya, and i made a nickname for myself, Tubbo. But that name feels so masculine, yet that's the thing i like about it. I just have the urge to cut my hair when i look in the mirror for once. I just feel like a boy and not a girl. But i couldn't be trans right? No, my parents would never accept me. They are the most transphobic people i know! One time a person got killed for being trans and it came on the news. My parents told me that they deserved it and that it was a punishment from God because they were ungrateful for the gender that he gave them. So, then what would happen if i was trans...

YOOO I GOT MY FIRST ACTUAL CHAPTER DONE! It's currently half four in the morning so i should probably go to sleep but maybe ill work a bit on my next chapter first idk yet but i really hope you enjoyed! Have an amazing day and just a quick reminder that you are beautiful however you are <33