The day it went downhill. -Tubbo angst, trans Tubbo au

Going back home

Im tryna write as much as i can before i have to go on camp im in a restaurant rn😭 gotta stay on the grind😎 This is also the first time im writing on my phone i always do it on my laptop ANYWAY ENJOYY

TW: eating disorder, facial dysmorphia, cursing, mentions of homophobia and transphobia, mentions of alcoholism

Tubbo POV

I opened my eyes, pain rushing all trough my body. At first it was pure black, but it started to fade. After 2 minutes i realized i was at the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere. Luckily my phone was still on my pocket. I looked at the time, it was 2 AM. Shit, dad must be so worried. I saw that i got one message, that must be him. I didn't get any calls tho, that's a bit weird. When im not home in time, my dad always calls me.

Shit, my phone is at 10% battery and i still have to use google maps to get home. I opened my phone, expecting to see a message from my dad. But it wasn't, it was from Jackson. Fuck. I opened it, and it said:

 'If you tell anyone about this, i will find out. I will find you.'

I wasn't planning on telling anyone tho, it's not like they're gonna believe it anyway. But why didn't my dad text me? I tried to call him, but he didn't pick up. My stepmom also didn't pick up. I guess i have to find my home alone somehow. 

I opened google maps, and typed in my adress. It told me that my house was a 30 minute walk away from home. Shit, my parents will be pissed! I tried to run a bit, but i was in to much pain for that. I needed to hurry tho sinds my phone is going to die and i won't be able to follow the route anymore. I tried to memorise it as much as i could while walking. Everytime i kinda knew where i had to go, i closed my phone for a bit and walked until i forgot the way again. After 20 minutes of walking, my phone died. I memorised most of the route, but it would still be a challenge sinds it is really dark. 

Suddenly, i felt water dripping on my head. Did it seriously have to start raining right now? I hid under a tree for a bit, but the rain didn't stop so i just decided to continue walking. I saw a clock somewhere, it was 2:45 AM by now. But eventually, i saw my house.

I wanted to run to it as fast as i could, but there was to much pain and it was unbearable. So i walked as fast as i could. When i got there, i hesitated. Should i ring on the bell? But what if they were sleeping and i woke them up!

I decided to look if the backdoor was open. Luckily, it was. I walked into the house still wondering why my parents hadn't even texted me. I expected that from my stepmom, but my dad? He would never do that. Unless.... no. He promised he would try and stop going to bars and drink as much as he could.

I sneaked upstairs, trying to make as less sound as possible. Once i got to my parents their bedroom, i softly opened the door a little so they wouldn't see it. But it was empty.

Panick started rising in my chest. Did they go to a bar again? Or were they kidnapped, maybe even dead? They could've had a car crash, or even worse. One thing was sure, they weren't here.

I decided that the best thing right now was to charge my phone so i could see when they text or call me. After i put it in the charger, i went to the bathroom to clean up and bandage my wounds.

Once i bandaged all my wounds, i decided i should take a shower. I felt disgusting, like i'll never be clean again. I took of my clothes, and looked in the mirror for a second. It didn't feel like me, i don't belong in this body. Maybe i should get a binder? But then my parents will find out! What if i tell them first, would they accept me and buy me one? Probably not, they are way to transphobic and homophobic for that.

But if i do, i might also be able to cut my hair... or maybe i could just cut it short but in a more feminine way so they won't notice? I asked my stepmom once, but she said short hair would look ridiculous on me. Would it? I already look ridiculous anyway. Sad thing i can't do anything about that stupid face. Plastic surgery is definitely not an option. I stopped looking in the mirror, trying to stop an the voices in my head. It barely worked, but at least they were less louder then before.

I went into the shower, shivering as the cold water ran down my back. I looked down at my belly, at all the fat on it. I actually was underweight and way to skinny, but in my eyes i was one of the fattest people in the world. My stepmom calls me a pig sometimes when i eat to much. She's probably right.

I got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Once i was fully dried, i put on my pyjama. I went to my room and got in my bed, but i couldn't sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about what happened today, it was something i would never forget. And not in a good way.

I went downstairs to get a glass of water, but suddenly i heard a key in the door... 

Sorry i haven't uploaded in a while, I've been rlly busy with camps and shit and im at my grandparent's house rn but next week im at another camp with no phones allowed and then im going on a trip with my parents and brother so i won't be able to post much but I'll try as much as i can.
Reminder that to eat, sleep and do fun things bc you're amazing and you deserve it <3