today is the three month mark. three months since i heard you take your last breath, and watched my mimi fall apart as she told you goodbye. it hasnt been easy. i think of you all the time, and i hope youre proud of me. youre in my dreams, and i wake up in tears wishing that you were still here. i know that it was better for you, it was your time, god needed you more, and all of the other things that people have told me to try to muffle my pain. i wish i couldve been there more, that i wouldve gone more than once a week. i cant even look at your chair without tears welling up in my eyes because youre not in it anymore. we all knew it was coming, death is inevitable regardless of a cancer diagnosis. im so grateful for the time that i got with you, all 19 years that i received your love. now i will receive it from a different place, and hope that you can feel how much i love and miss you. i was always skeptical about there being a god, or something higher than me but for you i believe it. youre being taken care of, with a fishing pole in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. one of the first times i saw you in the icu you grabbed my hand and kissed it, and said as well as you could that you loved me. i cried the whole way home. when i left the funeral home, the hospital, the church. screaming, choking sobs that blurred my vision the whole drive. nothing could tamp the immense pain i felt, the hole in my heart. i still ache, but its not your fault. you fought so hard, for the longest time, and your faith carried you all the way to the end. you made it to my graduation, and i was so happy to share my cake. i feel selfish for the times i took your presence for granted, and regret not making the moments last as long as i could. i smile when i see a cardinal, and i know that its you telling me that its okay. this internship is one of the last things we talked about. you leaned back in your chair while i sat in my spot on the couch and you told me stories from a long time ago, about engineers and studying and figuring out what worked for you and others. i cherish your stories, and admire how you were able to maintain that much of your memory when your brain was fighting itself. i miss you so much gramps, and i love you even more. i would say im missing you 1% more than mimi, but we both know it only works when you say it. from your JJ <3
