i struggle with monotony, but i also hate change. my brain does not want to repeat the same day over and over, but it also cannot handle drastic changes. they rearranged the back room at work today and it stressed me out. it has no effect on the job or my role, but it was hard to catch my breath when i would go and things were not in their place. i think this also appears in my relationships. i love you, and i choose to love you everyday. that is not the issue. the issue is that i know you love me, its just hard to feel it. its as if there is no effort, and you know how much i love and the way that i do. you get to talk to me as little or as much as you want, and you never have to worry about a reply or wonder if you're going to get an i love you when you hang up the phone. it may just be the way that you are and it wont change, but i'll beat the problem to death before i let it go unsolved.
i was not looking forward to this summer. a new room, a new schedule, the distance between us. however, i am thriving at work and making frienships with people that i can relax around. i miss you but you are no longer a part of my lake charles life so i do not feel your absence as deeply. it may be hurtful, but sometimes im glad you're far away. im not worried about seeing you, or asking to see you, or if you want to see me. i just kind of exist in my own bubble that you can't pop.
also, you kinda suck for going to utah. i know you love it and its one of the only chances you'll get, but you also made no other effort to see me. its not a great feeling to be put on the back burner.
