every morning i wake up, fighting the urge to roll over and fall back asleep. although i do not feel as rough as i did 3 months ago, there are still the bad days. i begin to worry, and then my thoughts spiral until i feel everything at once. there are few ways for me to communicate how i feel, but putting the words down always helps. gramps' chair is gone from the living room, and i do not know whether to feel relief or sadness. it was a reminder that he is also gone, but i think i enjoyed the reminder to remember how much i love him. as i build my own life, i find myself still wishing it was with colby. he truly is still my best friend, and the comfort i feel with him is incomparable. he has seen me at my worst, and still loved me the same. it is an odd feeling knowing that we grew apart, and i miss when he was just a 2 minute drive. he may still be the same physical distance, but the 2 minute drive is now an emotional rift between us. its like hes scared to let his guard down and be with me again, and i completely understand it. there are so many parts of my life that he is not in, and i want nothing more than to share them. fighting my own brain and its ups and downs is exhausting, but i am the only that can do it.
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