Diagnosed Late .1 (Finding Myself Series)

Autism

It was the small things, that turned into big things.

I never liked my body. I probably never will. The dysphoria of being born in the wrong body..and overwhelm of not knowing what to do with one's arms is infuriating.

The feeling of being suffocated in anything restrictive like jeans or jumpers or even blankets.

How I always spoke too fast and mumbled up my words. I always got in trouble for it.

How I always hated showers and had poor hygiene due to hating the feeling of water on my face and ears.

It was the special interests like dog training, soccer, Piano, Guitar, Art Anime & learning Korean. That always got laughed at..

It was the poor anger regulation that got misdiagnosed with BPD as a teenager. That turned into suicide attempts when no one listened to my needs.

How I was often quiet.. when not masking.  I always copied my friends to their liking.

How I never looked at my parents in the eyes, as it was the hardest thing to do. Yet they would hold my face there so I did.

It was the eggs that turned into restrictive eating.. my sensories didn't matter.. It was diagnosed Late as ARFID.
It was the trauma given when I was forced to eat the eggs I vomited because it wasn't a big deal and I should just do as I'm told.

It was the sensory of loud noises in shopping centers that gave me so many headaches and earaches.

It was The panic attacks when trying something new and failing because I was told I would.

It was the meltdowns when I did not understand something. Yet they'd choke me to stop crying.

The reason I was always in trouble was because "I never listened." And they'd would smack me or punish me because I  couldn't repeat what they'd said..

Who would have thought being diagnosed late could cause so many suicidal thoughts. I wish my parents cared enough to see all the signs sooner..not that it would have changed much..