Diagnosed Late .1 (Finding Myself Series)

closure

I will always remember, the harsh words always used against me. I could never do it the right way. I tired for so long just to make you proud. The 3am wakes for the sake of a speck I could never understand. The lack of education. Because I couldn't clean the dishes properly so you took everything from me. No food, no sleep, no education, no friends, no nothing. Clean, babysit, slave repeat.

I cannot stand eggs because everytime I see eggs the video of you replays on repeat. "Eat the vomit, you're being a drama queen."

All the flashbacks and memories haunt me throughout the day and in my sleep. You're everywhere and even behind me. They screw with my confidence saying I'll never be good at anything, the fear of them approaching behind and hurting me.

The few things I enjoyed you binned and laughed at me. I was proud of my Totoro drawing but anime was stupid to you. I was proud of my animal training so you tethered a biting dog to me. Ruined anything I enjoyed and expected me to be happy. You threw my sensitivities and enjoyments down the drain. Said I'd never be good at anything but a slave.

I will always remember, holding my breath scared out of my mind. If I had a autism meltdown you hit me, choke me, throw me, drag me especially if I looked blind. I couldn't look you in the eyes, not because I wasn't listening but because it was uncomfortable.. you didn't care you're not sensitive to anything stop lying.

Every noise awakens me, scares me out of my mind. The thoughts of who I could have been if someone had just listened when I cried.. instead I reached out for help and lost everything and everyone for crying. I'm numb to most feelings now, hard to be happy when your heads always a mess, you trust very little and are sensitive.

I've always been fighting for someone to believe in me, to be proud of me. And I've finally found that on my own.

But the harsh reality becomes clear the more I do the therapy the more I start to realise the hell I was brought up in. The few therapist pointed it out during my teenager hood, made you realise something and you convinced me to stop attending..

And all along I thought that's what love is. Small periods of happiness months and years of emotional and physical abuse/ neglecting hell. You're and always will be a narcissist.

I had hoped all along and I gave you so many chances. I hoped one day you'd be proud of me one day you'd love me like them.. but i woke up, the day I needed you the most. I lost a child that day and you wanted me gone forever. It was the day reality snapped in my heart. I wanted my mum and you didn't care. You never loved me not even from the start.

I will always remember. I will never forget or forgive anything you both did. But I learned that family is bullshit and I made my own. They love me for me and help me grow, they tell me they're proud of me and tell me nicely when Im wrong. But best of all they never hurt me and love me no matter what.

I end this book to help bring me closer to closure from the past. Im starting a new chapter in my life.