PRECEDENT : Draco Malfoy II

36

"Marty?" Justin asks. "Do you mind moving to the back corner? We're playing Hangman and I don't want to bother you."

I offer him a smile, picking up the Sagum off the desk and juggling it in my hands. I duck around a few first years who are giggling. Technically, none of this is allowed. Like most other extracurriculars, muggle music and muggle art were on the chopping block. None of us are supposed to be here. Professor Burbage hasn't stopped people from coming.

It's not an ideal study spot. Maybe it isn't even as good as the library. There is so much going on in the room always, mostly with the first years, that I think I'm making progress on clearing my mind. Occlumency isn't easy to learn without a partner. While Professor Burbage personally invited me to her room, I don't think she'd be keen on helping me.

There aren't many older students who spend time here who could help me. The Creevey brothers sometimes do; I've discovered there are two of them. One upper year is here nearly every day.

"Okay, I'm thinking of a word," Justin says.

I spread my winter cloak over the desk and lower my head so I'm staring into blackness. It's an ether. I've gotten good enough at imagining myself somewhere else, but it isn't true occlumency. At the very least, it just diverts my thoughts. My ears tune away from Justin's voice.

I'm getting better. I started journaling my emotions a few weeks ago. It's been helping, writing down what I'm feeling, even if I'm forced to use an illusory script so no one else can read it. Finding patterns, rhythms in myself, and the way I think. I can compartmentalize.

That's what I do with Justin's voice. I pack it away, like I'm folding it into my trunk and taking it home for the summer. I don't need it now and I will deal with it later. I fold all the first years shouting out letters, laughing with each other, groaning loudly. Each one, at a time, I pack it away. Then, I pack away every thought I have with them. All the annoyance, and the loneliness, and the want to be in the runes room. Then, I let my hand touch the metal circular base of the Sagum. With all of everything else out of the way, there is only me left.

The ball shoots off the pole. It whizzes through the air, only stopping when it cracks into the granite walls of the room. My heart is racing. My magic, without my wand in my way. Only once I stand up do I hear everyone else has hushed. It isn't just my mind.

Laughter starts to bubble in the classroom. The ball clacks to the ground, no longer having my magic attached to it. I move over. Justin is faster. He grabs it and holds it up when one of the first-years tries to grab it out of his hand.

"Here you go," he smiles.

"Thanks," I manage.

With the ball back in my hand, I dip back to my desk. The game continues. It takes a great deal of effort to reattach the Sagum to the small ball. I have to pull out a muggle magnifying glass and work on it with an instrument I haven't used since I was engraving it.

I wonder if that's how Rememberalls would work. I should test them against legilimency. Rememberalls are able to sift through thoughts and find what's been pushed back, and that itself helps strengthen its connection to the user. It sees witches and wizards for what they are without thoughts and feelings. Before studying it, I wouldn't think I was much without thoughts and feelings. I'm something though.

The thread pulls.

Then, we are told to go since it will be time for bed in half an hour. I check a clock on the wall. I'm an hour late to meet with Draco. Fuck.

I rush through the halls and head down to the water. I barely make it into the boat house, the Sagum still in my hands, my lungs huffing. He's there, his legs hanging out of a boat, his hand over his eyes, like he's sleeping.