I Cannot Breathe (Be My Oxygen)

Weather The Storm

Trigger Warnings : flashback of implied suicide attempt but nothing graphic or detailed, arguments, mention of murder, drowning.

Chan has woken up before Changbin for once.

Despite their small argument, Changbin still came into his room, like he promised before.

He's pressed against him, feels his heartbeat in his chest. He closes his eyes, wishes to stay like this forever, with no problem and a peaceful Changbin.

But it's impossible.

Not when they need to be honest to each other. He's been blaming Changbin when he's worse than him. He's horribly selfish and awful.

It's not like he can keep Changbin forever too. After all, he still likes someone. Something he's been trying to forget for some reason. He can't control Changbin, can't keep him away from his happiness like this.

He's not going to be like his parents, but isn't he already ?

He tightens his hug and buries his face in the crook of his neck more, feels the warmth from the arms around his waist.

"Talk to him about everything. You'll regret it otherwise."

But how ? He doesn't even know what's going on in his head. He just wants Changbin and her.

That's it.

That's literally it.

Why did life decide to make it harder for him ?

How can he choose when both are too important for him ? He needs them both to function properly, he'll just drown without one of them.

He just can't choose.

He flinches when Changbin's alarm goes off. It's a soft song that starts with a piano. Chan feels Changbin wake up, hears him hum with a hoarse voice.

He tries to shift and turn off his alarm, but Chan keeps him steady, stops him from going away.

"Hyung ?" He sounds sleepy, hand pressing against his back.

"Stay," he pleads, as if Changbin will leave for work but never come back this time, "just, until the song finishes."

Changbin doesn't answer right away, but relaxes on the bed, hugs Chan back, lips pressed on top of his head, "Sure."

They stay quiet, let the song fill the silence of the early morning. Chan breathes out, opens his eyes to stare at his chest. He brings a hand to the middle, feels Changbin's heartbeat picking up.

He doesn't question why. He can't.

Changbin lets him.

When the song finishes, Chan lets go.

Changbin moves slowly to turn it off before it can start again. He sits and waits.

Chan stares at his back. He's wider than him now, and he likes that, because it makes him feel safe.

"I'm sorry for last night."

The younger waits, and gives him a sense of privacy when he doesn't turn around. Chan appreciates him so much, but he also feels like shit too.

"I— it wasn't fair of me, when I'm also hiding some things from you."

Changbin shifts a bit.

Chan sits too, "It's been... complicated these days," he chuckles dryly, rubs his face, "my head's all over the place and," he shrugs, "and I need to make a choice, but I'm so lost. "