I Cannot Breathe (Be My Oxygen)

Be Selfish One Last Time

Trigger Warnings : mentions of past suicidal thoughts.

Changbin's torn between being happy and drowning himself in his misery.

Because Minho's back as a human now, which means what it means.

Chan never loved him. He loves Minho. Minho who's everything he wanted to be. Still want to be. It's just that simple.

He sighs, shoulders slump as he stares blankly ahead, watches Chan show the way to their flat to Minho followed by everyone.

They decided to have some sort of party for Minho. They're all dripping wet but no one cares. It's a night filled with happiness and relief.

Changbin stops at the front door, wonders if he really has a place here as he sees them joking and playing around, pranking Minho who just snorts and replies with dreadful answers, though it's still lovely.

He doesn't feel like it's his home anymore. He's the outcast, the one no one would notice disappear.

He watches Chan talking with Minho, bathing in the light of home, sparkling around them. It looks cozy with them in the picture, domestic even. It's like they're made to be here at this very moment.

And Changbin... isn't made to be there with them.

If he stays still until the light of the hallway turns off, will Chan notice it ? Notice him leaving, leaving a place he thought he belonged ? Or will he ignore him ? Be happy about it ?

He can't help himself, stays frozen until it ticks off and—

"Bin hyung ?"

Changbin blinks at Felix. He seems worried, and he's holding up his hand to take, "You come ?"

And Changbin parts his lips—

I don't belong.

— he nods, tries to smile despite the ache of his heart turning numb, takes the pitying hand, "Yeah, let's have some fun."

Changbin didn't even know he could drink this much. He's been catching up with Hyunjin and Felix most of the night, teased Jisung and shared small talks with Seungmin. And drinking has been his comfort tonight.

He tries to ignore Chan's eyes on him, drowns himself in alcohol. He thinks at some point, the older had tried to initiate a conversation, but Changbin made sure to ignore him and talk with the others. Hoped he'd get the message across.

Who knows, maybe he'll fall into a coma if he keeps drinking like this ? And maybe, that's what he wants right now, so he wouldn't see Chan's eyes filled with stars when he looks at Minho. Eyes filled with fondness and love—

Someone takes the drink off his hand. It's Minho who stubbornly drinks all of it before making a disgusted face. Changbin just watches in confusion.

"I know what you're thinking about."

Changbin doesn't deny it. Just takes another bottle of beer and opens it.

Minho takes it before he can drink it, "Stop drinking," Changbin is ready to retort something hurtful out of spite, but the older takes his wrist and yanks it hard enough to force him to follow him.

The nausea starts coming up his throat at the brusque movement. He keeps a hand on his mouth and lets himself be dragged, and conveniently, it's the bathroom Minho locks them in.

"You're ignoring Chan."

And you, Changbin doesn't add, just sits on the toilet, retching with burning eyes, rubbing his face roughly.