I'm Really Fucking Exhausted I Haven't Got The Energy To Try.

part 9

I woke up, it was morning time l look up to see blackhat still there playing with my hair "oh your finally awake, how was your nap Flug" "g-good s-s-sir, how are y-you d-d-doing" "good, oh yeah and 5.0.5 is making breakfast" l know l couldn't have food l just throw it up "ok s-sir" "you should go get some" as l got up l just said "yep" l walk out the room and slowly walk to the kitchen l finally arrived at the kitchen and went to the table 5.0.5 give me a plate of food. I started to eat and afterwards l was done I gave 5.0.5 the plate so he could cleaned it, l was walking back to blackhat room till, l felt nauseous, l ran to a bathroom that was close to me l lock it and ran to toilet and l was relief that it was already opened l throw up, all the food that 5.0.5 cooked for me l felt so guilty about it. But I couldn't keep the food down, the food was delicious. but l starved myself for to long if l have alot amount of food l just going to throw it up, At least l'm happy about my body......now, l look in the toilet to see blood and chunks of
undigested. It really didn't disgust me l was use to this stuff l close the toilet and flush it, l was about to wash my hands and brush my teeth intil l remembered my tooth brush is in my bathroom in my room, l decided to wash my hands and l go to my bathroom and brush my teeths. I turned on the water and wash my hands until l heard a knocked on the door "are you ok Flug" it was blackhat "y-yeah, l'm just using the bathroom" "ok l'm going to be in my office if you need me" l ear his shoes taping further and further away, shit l hope he didn't hear me throw up l turned off the facet and opened the door and walk to my room l glad he walk off to his office. I arrived to my room finally l go in and look at everything, it feels like l Haven't been in my room for a long time l walk to my bathroom finally brushing my teeth l look in the mirror and pick up my shirt, my finger touches my ribs "l'm really skinny maybe l should start eating again, l don't know" l continued to look in the mirror 'your to skinny, he never love you'

"shit the voices are coming back, fuck l need to take my medicine" l look in every cabinet, but there where nothing "oh shit, l left them in the bathroom in my lab fuck"

'you need to gain some weight you look like a skeleton, you need to start working out ugly'

l walk out to my lab trying to not panic as l was walking l saw Demencia she rubbed her tired eyes "next time you and blackhat are having sex be more quiet"
"W-what are you talking about"
"I'm talking about you and blackhat going at it like rabbit's are bunny how ever you say it just be more quiet next time, your lucky 5.0.5 was asleep and didn't wake up because you guy were so loud." "O-ok" l continued to walk to my lab, l knew l was caught red handed, l was a blushing mess thinking about the event of last night utill Another voice said something
'he only using you for sex he will never love you your to weak and pathetic'
"You ok Flug, you kinda look sick"
"Y-yeah I'm ok, why are you asking"
"You look like your about to pass out, and it look like you haven't eaten in weeks"
"I'm ok" l then walk away to my lab l look back to see Demencia walking away, l look forward and continue to walk to my lab

'no one will ever love you, they all hate you there only using you'

I finally arrived at my lab l opened the and slammed the doors closed and ran to the bathroom panicking, l closed the door and locked it, l open the cabinet door and grabbed my anti-depressant pills, opening them. I take one and put them back the voices finally stoping and l grab the blade in the cabinet without hesitant and remove my gloves and bandages l started to cut myself l stop once l got a good amount of cuts on my wrist, l couldn't deal with this anymore l'm so fucking exhausted l don't want to deal with this shit anymore maybe l should killed myself no l shouldn't think like that again.
But maybe l should, l watch the blood go down my wrist and into the sink, l turned on the faucet and cleaned my wrist l grabbed out a red bag with a white cross on it and started to put medicine on my wound l throw the old bandages out and put on new bandages, l put the bag up and the blade, l put my gloves on and walk towards the door and silde my back against it finally sitting on the ground
l take a deep breath, l felt so relaxed when l cut my wrist it just feels so calming when l did it. l really like the pain, it feels like l deserved the pain half the time because I keep making mistakes,
l'm a disappointment a mistake a failure a loser, no one will ever love me. l put my knees up to my head, hugging my legs tear started to fill up my goggles l pulled of my bag putting it next to me l put my head on my knees again l started to cry "l can't deal with this anymore, someone please just fucking kill me already" l started to rock myself back and forward

'no one love you just kill yourself already, you're a fucking loser, your a weak pathetic nobody'
The voices said again over and over
l put in my headphones and started to listen to some music on my phone and listen to it, the song little person by matt maltese started playing, l started to sing along some tears still running down my face.

https://open.spotify.com/track/1VrUeEmCs6wGwPkWuEFr09?si=129wqoAxS5W860yX4L48YA&utm_source=copy-link

[The link here so you guys can listen to the song while you read it or you guys can Search it up and listen to the while you read.]

I'm just a little person
One person in a city
Of many little people
Who are not aware of me
I do my little jobs
Live my little life
Eat my little meals
Miss my little kids and wife
And somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'II find a second little person
Who will look at me and say
"I know you
you're the one i've waited for
Iet's have some fun"
life is precious every minute
and more precious with you in it
So let's have some fun
We'll take a road trip way out west
you're the one l like the best
I'm glad l found you
l like hanging around you
you're the one l like the best
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll find a second little person
And we'll go out and play

I calm down a little bit the music was still playing my eyelids started to feel heavy l finally close my eyes drifting to sleep......

There was a gun to my head l was the one who was holding the gun l was on a roof top and demencia, blackhat, 5.0.5 where on the ground with some cops holding megaphone and heroes, telling me not to do it demencia was crying as blackhat and 5.0.5 l finally pulled the trigger my lifeless corpse laying on the top of the roof "NO" was the last words I heard.........before I wake up. I look Around my Surroundings
"O-oh I'm just in my bathroom" l whispered as l got up l pause my music, l take out my headphones and put them in my pocket with my phone. I turned around and l was about to opened the door until I heard someone knocked on the door
"Dr.flug are you in there, l told you to have the day off" "y-yes s-s-sir l'm in the bathroom" my hands started to shake
"s-shit" l hesitant at first but I opened the door to see blackhat standing there he seemed more concerned than angry
"I thought I told you to go on break today....
Why does it smell like blood Flug"
'shit l hope he doesn't notice my new cuts' l said in my head, but it was to late my grip on my wrist tighten, he seemed to notice because he gently grabbed my wrist and took off my gloves and bandages off
"Flug l thought l told you to stop cutting yourself"
tears where running down my face,
then I realized I left my bag on the bathroom floor, before I could go get it he checked my other wrist l look at the floor feeling ashamed of myself l heard him gasp. I look up to see him looking at a deep cut in my left wrist
"F-Flug did...l-l..l'm so sorry" he pulled me into a hug, blackhat gently grabbed my chin "d-did l make you feel like this, l made you feel so bad that l made you feel like doing this" l nodded feeling ashamed of myself "l'm really sorry l hope you can forgive give me"
as blackhat said that he hug me tightly and let me go, he warped my wrist with the bandages and put my gloves on "You're going to take a break today, ok"
"O-ok sir"

To be continued.....

[Sorry guys l haven't Published in a while
l keep getting distracted and l been feeling depressed l hope you enjoy this l will try to publish more often have a great day/night]