Everything has been Depleted

Day Two

MISERIA

Nagising akong basa ang unan ko. Hindi ko nanaman napigilan ang mga luha ko kagabi. Malala nanaman ang self-Destruct and self-Blame ko kagabi. Ramdam ko ang pagkamugto ng mata ko.  Umupo ako sa kama at Kinuha ang notebook at ballpen na nasa side table ko. 

Dr. Elpis wanted me to have a journal where i could write my feelings, Opinions and thoughts. At first, I thought it was kind of corny and cheesy, elementary at Highschool lang naman kasi ang may mga diary o journal.

Pagkatapos kong magsulat ay ibinalik ko sa side table ang mga notebook at ballpen.  Kailangan kong may gawin ngayong araw para malibang ako. Ayoko namang lumabas o pumunta pa sa mall o kung saan, as nine-teen years old, I think this was one of the signs that i am now an adult, is losing appetite to socialize.

Mommy was in the kitchen, making lunch. tinawag n'ya ko para kumain ng umagahan ngunit sa sobrang antok ay hindi na ko nakababa. I was too lazy to eat.  I rather stay in my room and think  on how to make myself better. Mommy asked me to help myself and forget about the past. To forget about what happened to our family.

I could my mom's love but it seems like i couldn't continue my life without my Dad. I was a daddy's Girl,  until  that accident happened.

Kumuha ako ng libro mula sa shelf at nagsimulang magbasa. Mga sampu minuto palang ang nakalipas ay marahas kong ibinalibag ang libro. nakakainis. Ano pa ba ang p'wedeng magawa sa bahay na 'to? Humiga ako at tumitig sa kisame, Wala akong marinig na kahit ano, Tahimik ang paligid at pag-galaw ng orasan lamang ang naririnig ko. 

Masasabi mo talagang tahimik ang paligid kapag nagawa mong marinig ang tunog ng mga maliliit na bagay.

Napangiti ako nang may maalala. What if....

Mabilis kong kinuha ang cellphone ko sa ilalim ng unan. Napakalaki ng ngiti ko habang binubuksan ang messages.

 I will make a message for my beloved Doctora Elpis. Mabilis kong nakita ang pangalan n'ya sa contacts ko dahil siya lang naman ang binibigyan ko ng message. I named her,  Ms. Elpis

To: Ms. Elpis

I am tired rn. Don't know what to do. aym boreddd. 

I clicked the send button. i play with my phone while waiting for her Reply. ilang segundo lang ang lumipas ay nag-reply na din s'ya.

From: Ms Elpis

Try to read, Draw and paint.  

To: Ms. Elpis

I don't want to.

Oh. May naisip na 'Ko

From: Ms. Elpis

Oh, Really? tell me

To: Ms Elpis

Kill myself

Ilang segundo akong naghinay nang Reply n'ya. Nilapag ko ang phone sa side table nang Nag vibrate ulit ito.

*Ms. Elpis Calling

I declined the call and chuckled.

*Ms. Elpis calling

I Declined It again. I laugh so hard when I received her message.

From: Ms. Elpis

Answer my call. Now.

To: Ms. Elpis

I am just kidding I'm sorry. haha

I opened my phone's camera and shot a selfie with my thumbs up and sent it to her. 

You sent a photo.

To: Ms. Elpis

I'm sorry. i'm Good, I promise. I just wanna tease you.

From: Elpis

You scared me. I will call your mom rn.

wait what?!  Mabilis akong Nag reply sa kan'ya.

To: Ms. Elpis.

No.no.no.no. pls sorry.

Maya maya lang ay may narinig akong katok mula sa pintuan ng kwarto ko bago ito bumukas. Kinakabahan akong napatingin dito.

"Ria?" Si mommy. May malungkot na tinig si mommy. siguro ay nag-aalala siya saakin.

tsk. Ano bang sinabi n'ya

"Y-yes?" I nervously asked. 

"Nothing. just checking up on you" Saad nito bago pumasok nang tuluyan sa kwarto ko. Hindi n'ya tinawagan si mommy. maybe-

napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang magsalita s'ya.

" Your Doctor. Ms. Elpis asked me to check you up"

"Mommy, I'm Good. Are you hungry? Sabayan kitang kumain ng lunch sa baba?" Sumilay ang ngiti sa labi ni mommy, matagal-tagal ko na ding hindi 'to nakita sa kaniya simula nung namatay si Daddy 2 Years ago.

Simula nang mamatay si Daddy ay kami nalang Ni Mommy ang natira. Wala akong kapatid o kahit sinong kasama lumaki. Kaming tatlo lang palagi ni Mommy at Daddy.

When i was a kid hanggang mamatay si Dad, Dumepende ako sa kanila. they are my life, My everything. Sobrang hirap nang mamatay si Daddy. Sobrang sakit. Lalo na tuwing nakikita ko ang mga matang pugto ni Mommy. I am so scared to be left by them. Minsan iniisip kong mauna nalang sa kanila kesa makita ko silang ililibing.

My Mom asked me to be stoic, to always put the positive first, to be strong for us. but I could not. I am having a hard time to be strong. I cannot. My Dad's death was our downfall. 

When I lost my Dad, I Felt like everything has shattered, He was our foundation, Our Family's Foundation, kung wala s'ya wala kaming lahat dito. when he left, I don't know where to run to. I need him but he's not with us anymore, I won't be able to see him anymore.. Unless.. I will try to end my life again. maybe... maybe i could see him again.. maybe.. I'lll be with him again.

"Let's eat together. Susunod po ako sa inyo, Mommy. Aasusin ko lang itong kama" Ngumiti siya saakin ang hinawakan ang pisngi ko.

"Oki, I'll wait for you downstairs. take your time. I'll prapare  the table." Sagot n'ya bago maglakad palabas ng  pintuan.

"Okay, Mom. I love you" I heard her answered me with I love you too

Hindi ko naman talaga aayusin ang kama. I opned my phone again and i sent a message with Ms. Elpis.

To: Ms. Elpis

You scared me haha. thank you

Thank you for not telling my Mom. para saakin, ayoko nang saktan s'ya, alam kong nasasaktan siya sa lahat ng mga ginagawa ko sa sarili ko. However, sometimes i feel like it was so dark, and there's a monsters who wants to get me.