Everything has been Depleted

Day five

What Elpis stated yesterday has stayed with me. Hindi ko alam kung paano  pa ako nakauwi kahapon pagkatapos ng mabigat naming pag-uusap ni Elpis.  I understand what she's trying to express. She tried to assure me that I am innocent, that I am only a victim of the world's criticism and harshness. that I should not endanger myself in death, because like what i have said It is difficult to bring dead people back to life.

I hate Elpis for telling me that. She didn't know what i have done for her to utter those words. Maybe this is what I've Got for not telling her and for keeping my mouth shut. 

She made me feel so guilty.  

I used to wonder why such traumatic events had to happen. That I've been so kind to everyone, yet all I've gotten is pain. When Dad died, I used to pray, Hold rosary every Ten in the evening, and ask God to take away all my anguish. I begged God to make me numb so that I would no longer have to suffer. I clutch at him.

Now, I am mad at him. He was the first person I ran to when i was hurting, Begging him to heal me. Na willing ako magbalik loob sa kaniya basta tanggalin niya ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. It has been two years, and it is still painful. Dad's death still shatters my soul. 

I despise him for making me feel this pain for this long. 

So, when I realized I didn't have anyone, I understood I needed to act to stop the misery. I want this agony to end. Inorder to end the misery i have to kill miseria, Myself.

I was sobbing uncontrollably one night while holding a rosary. I couldn't stop the throbbing in my chest. My memories of Daddy came flooding back to me. I couldn't hold myself back. My hands trembled and I couldn't think well.

 I dashed into the kitchen from my room. Maybe my Mom heard my footsteps and screams and followed me. Mom arrived just as I was about to cut myself, and she sobbed when she saw the blood on my wrist. She held me tightly, grabbed the knife from me, and called our family doctor's number. 

It happened a lot of times.  

Hindi ko na naiintindihan ang episode na pinapanood ko dahil sa iniisip ko. I went to Living room to watch Detective Conan. 

Umalis ulit si Mom to do some errands, But this time she promised me na uuwi s'ya ng maaga para hindi siya abutin ng gabi at traffic. Sinabihan siya ni Elpis tungkol sa nangyari noong isang gabi n'ong iniwan n'ya ako para  asikasuhin ang ibang papel.

Napatigil  ako sa pag-iisip nang nag-message si Elpis.

From: Ms. Eri Kasaki

I haven't heard anything from you since yesterday.

Are you okay?

Tinitigan ko iyon. bago mag reply. Tama s'ya, I isolated myself from contacting her since  yesterday. Ayoko muna s'yang makausap. I know,  there is nothing wrong with her words, but after hearing them, something inside me gets triggered.

To: Ms. Eri Kisaki

I'm Fine. I just need sometime alone.

From: Ms. Eri Kisaki

Did I offend you yesterday?

I'm really sorry about that. 

That sorry made me hate myself even more. Naf-feel bad akong binigyan ko s'ya ng silet treatment kahapon without addressing The situation. Nag-guilty ako dahil s'ya pa ang dapat mag-sorry kahit alam kong masyado akong naging Insensitive Kahapon. I can't blame her for saying those things. Hindi n'ya kasalanan kung bakit naging ganoon ang Reaction ko.