Silence is not Golden

Vol 4 Part 5

Ri

1 May 2017
Tuesday 7:00pm

My therapist told me about a term today, asexual. It doesn't mean self- reproduction in humans. It means a lack of sexual attraction.

So that's why, I can't metaphorically "get it up" for Cole. It's not him. It's not me. It's my brain or body. I'm still confused on that one.

I wonder if there's any quizzes.

Three solid yeses is enough. I'm asexual.

Now off to tumblr.

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4 May 2017
Friday 9:00pm

Knowing that being ace is a thing is such a relief. I'm not a weirdo. But Cole loves me. And I'm pretty sure I love him too. No, I am sure I love him. I am falling in love with him.

What will I do?

I guess all I can do is to be patient and see where this goes.

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9 May 2017
Wednesday 8:00pm

I've made a determination with my therapist. Before my next therapy appointment, I'll sit down with Dad and the twins. To talk about that night.

Oh my God, I just realized that means Sunday. As in tomorrow! It's a family dinner.

I'm prepared emotionally but I don't know what I'll say. I'll speak from the heart.

What should I wear?

Um, I'm thinking my black solid bodice floral lace crop top and my black tiger dominatrix shorts. If the conversation doesn't go well, I'll be dressed for mourning.

I got this.

----- ----- -----

13 May 2017
Sunday 5:00pm

"Dad, can we skip the pre-dinner discussion?" I ask as the door opens.

"Why?" He asks as Anya gets up to hug Pen and Bec.

"Because I need to talk to you and the twins."

Mom comes out halfway through my sentence and takes Anya away.

Do I want to stay here or go to Dad's office? At least here Mom and Anya are close by.

"What do you want to talk about??" Dad asks.

"Well, that's one thing. I know your personality is simply decisive but some people, including family members, aren't as quick." I say.

"You can't talk to me that way. Show some respect."

"I've been showing false respect for years. And it's tearing me apart."

Dad's face has a horrible expression and I'm scared.

"Dad, let her say her piece." Pen says.

"Thank you, Pen. You're next. Now on to Bec. Why did that night happen? You've never lost your temper like that. No judgment but what caused it?"

Bec sighs.

"Dad caused it."

"What did I do?" Dad asks, loudly.

"You were upset with me for changing my major. You were yelling at me via text message. And you don't even remember because that's how you interact with all of us, all the time. Your children can't come to you because we know we'll get something negative."

"That's rude."

"It's the truth." Pen says, just as fierce. "You literally put down anything you don't agree with. Look at the beginning of this conversation and now. You've denied Ri and Bec their feelings because you didn't agree with it."

"So you were triggered by Dad, came upon me and Pen disagreeing, joined in and hit me?" My voice hitches.

Bec just full on starts crying. And I start as well.

"I'm so sorry." Bec says, through the tears. "I never should have touched you. Even throwing things as a kid. I'm so sorry."

"What exactly did you want to say to me?" Pen asks.

"Just that it hurt when you chose Bec over me."

"I wanted to be there for you. But I figured with us moving out and me being part of the problem, it would be best if I stood by Bec. And I figured the family would support you. I'm so sorry that didn't happen and that I hurt you with my choice."

I nod and see my sisters both reach out their arms. I take their hands in each of mine.

"Dad," Anya says, opening the kitchen door. "If you don't apologize in the next 60 seconds, I'll never speak to you again."

"I might ignore you too." Mom offers.

I make eye contact with Dad.

"I am very sorry all of this happened. I apologize for being a hard- ass and never trying to understand. I didn't realize our relationship was built on negative feelings. I love and cherish each of you. You two as well." He says, looking at Anya and mom.

We all laugh, some of us through tears.