Quietly Yours

It's a Date?

After a rough few days of overthinking, it's the weekend again. I find myself looking forward to getting high with JJ. Needing an escape more than ever. My meditation routine always helped calm me with lots of effort and patience. As much as I love my meditation ritual I also love the mellowness that comes with smoking weed. It's an effortless calm, soothing the deepest wounds, and giving me the break from life that I desperately need.

A few hours later I'm back at the Humble abode sitting side by side with my favourite person, high.

After a little while of silence and munching on the snacks I brought I start to feel more at ease. Normally I'm always at ease with JJ, but this feeling is different. Something inside me feels the need to be honest with him, about what happened the night before I saw him, and what's really been happening at school. One thing I love about JJ is that he never pushes me to tell him things, even if he knows there's more to tell. The guy is way more perceptive than he lets on. I know he can tell there's a whirlwind of thoughts inside my head just waiting to be let out. He knows that when I'm ready I'll share it with him, he's the exact same way. I'm sure he has plenty of secrets of his own but I'll never pry. Like me, he has always liked to process things on his own.

"Hey Jayge?" I say quietly.

"Yeah Kie?"

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"Always Kie" he says with reassurance glowing in his eyes.

"I lied about how bad things actually are at school," I say looking away to avoid JJ's eyes on me.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it's more than just silly remarks while passing through the hallways." I look down and play with my thumbs, feeling embarrassed for hiding this from him.

"I see." He nods slowly with a sad look on his face.

I'm shocked to see that he's not immediately filled with rage. "You don't seem that surprised?"

"I mean I kinda figured things were pretty bad after the party that night... I just assumed you didn't want to tell me about it because you assumed I'll go beat up a bunch of Kooks."

"Well you aren't wrong about that," I say.

"Do you want me to beat up some Kooks? Cause you know I would."

I try to hide my smile at the thought of JJ defending me. "Oh, I know you would Jay," I say looking at my hands again and shaking my head slowly. "But don't worry I don't think that's necessary. I guess I just got tired of pretending things were better than they actually were."

"I don't blame you Kie. Just remember you're still the same badass Kie I know." He says wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in towards him.

We sit there for another moment of silence, honesty still pulsing through me. "Have you ever thought about... ending it?" I ask so quietly I'm surprised he even hears.

"Um.. well sorta. I've thought about running away a while back but not really ending it," he says honestly, staring into the distance. "Have you?"

"Kinda yeah..." I whisper, pulling my knees into my chest and tucking my chin on my knees. "I chickened out before doing anything though."

He looks at me with his bright blue eyes, like he knew deep down things were bad, but had hoped things weren't that bad. He starts to get up, moving his body behind mine. He pulls me into a hug, arms wound tightly around me, legs bent holding my body steady as tears silently pour down my face. He tucks his chin on my shoulder and says, "I would've been there if I had known. I would've broken through your damn window if I knew... you know I would have."