Queen of Nothing

25. irredeemable

Initially, I wasn't planning on stopping by Cole's party. He'd invited me for old times' sake and I'd decided that the fragile friendship we'd concocted was enough for me to make a stop and maybe leave early. 

But mostly, I'd come to see Milo. There was a 50/50 chance that he showed up, and yet somehow I was willing to take it. 

I went straight from the beach, hadn't bothered to put makeup on, or do my hair. Bare, clean skin and crazy salt-strewn hair that I'd wrangled into a braid. I wore a navy sweater over my tank top and cutoff shorts with sandals.

I felt different, not entirely like myself but not entirely unlike myself. I'd barely made it past the threshold when Jordan leered in my face, handing me a cup of punch. I can smell the vodka before he even approaches me, and remembering my transgressions from the previous day, I set the cup down, trudged on.

I stumbled into Katie, who was in the middle of making out with a junior. She gave me a wide eyed stare before drunkenly collapsing against me, "This is Jonathan. Isn't he great?"

The junior cleared his throat awkwardly, "Actually, it's James."

"James!" Katie, "You're sooo right!"

"Katie, you're plastered," I commented, "can I take you home?"

"Nope!" she yelled, "That's James' job. C'mere." She motioned at the junior who gave out his best shit-eating grin, on the cusp of hooking up with one of the hottest seniors at school.

"James will not be taking you home," I gave him my best pointed glare, "not when you're this drunk." He shrunk under my gaze and it filled me with some sense of satisfaction. My reputation among the senior class might have been in shambles, but at least the juniors still had the good sense to fear me. "And if I hear that you tried to take her home or pull something, I will personally hunt you down and ruin you. We clear?"

Something like fear crossed his eyes and he nodded again.

I pushed past them, when Cole bumped into me. He looked genuinely happy to see me, which was a first, so I accepted his hug when he outstretched his arms, "Mahi, you made it!"

I smiled, "I did. Wouldn't miss one of your grand parties for the world." Then, I noticed his sweatshirt, which said USC printed across in splash letters. I looked at the shirt and then back at him, "No fucking way. Is this for real?"

He nodded and I threw my arms around him again, "I'm so proud of you, superstar." He hugged me back, "Prouder of you."

I leaned back and gave him a sad smile, unsure of how to tell him that I didn't bother opening up any of my other admissions decisions just yet. Columbia had been enough rejection for a day, and I wasn't ready to face any more heartbreak. "You seen Milo?" I asked, innocuously.

His smile slipped into something more serious, "Oh, yeah he's-uh, busy."

I frowned, "At a party?" I looked in the general direction of the main room, where an aggressive game of pong was taking place. I'd started in that direction, but he pulled me back, "No, Mahi. I promise you don't want to find him right now."

"What are you not telling me?" I demanded.

He looked away, his ultimate tell for when he was attempting to lie. When he didn't respond, I pushed past him, hearing my name get yelled out once more. 

I ignored all of it and surveyed the main room, relieved to see that nothing was going on. Maybe Milo had just decided to be elsewhere tonight. Parties weren't his thing, I knew this much, but something still tugged in my gut.

After the other night, I'd pled with him over text to meet up, all of my messages going unanswered. But I knew that some things had to happen in person versus over text. So I plucked up my courage and came to this goddamned party, for him to be missing.