Queen of Nothing

35. regress

When I got to school the next morning, I considered driving straight back and burrowing myself into a black hole of blankets and trashy reality tv instead of facing reality. 

I dreaded to know what kind of rumors had been swirling in my absence, what people thought, and suddenly I felt all too small in my little sedan that had driven me cross country in the span of a week with a boy that seemed to consume all of the space. 

Milo. 

He'd texted me over the weekend and I'd dutifully ignored it, feeling strange and claustrophobic all of a sudden. I was hoping he'd chalked up my silence to being exhausted from the travel, but knowing him, he'd sniff out the real reason I'd bailed on him within seconds and confront me about it. And frankly I wasn't ready to face him. 

A week together and we'd blossomed into something so strange and important. And it had all changed over the span of weekend. I felt like such a coward.

I sipped my thermos of coffee and leaned back in my seat, noticing a crumpled receipt. I unwrinkled it to see the bill for the hotel room we'd booked back in Arizona, the number making my eyes bug out of my head. As if I needed to feel worse about myself today. 

I'd barely made it out of the car when a lithe figure rushed me, enveloping me in a hug that almost had me keeling over. 

"What the-" I managed to get out before Katie tightened her grip on me. 

"Oh my god," she breathed into my hair before withdrawing to assess me like a mother hen, checking for damages, emotional bruising, et cetera. "I thought you were never coming back." 

"Katie--oxygen---please--let--me--breathe," I spattered out, feeling my rib cage seized against my lungs. 

"Oh you'll have plenty of time to breathe later," Katie murmured against my hair. When she did relent, I felt oxygen rush back into my veins and a buzz coat my nerves. Katie noticed I was gone, Katie missed me. How had I never noticed the magnitude of her care for me before. 

Because you were always wrapped up with Cole, my subconscious slithered. 

I brushed the thoughts aside, when I noticed Zara standing not too far off, clutching her backpack and surveying me like she'd seen a ghost. 

I felt my lips move of their own accord, "Hi." 

A flurry of emotions flooded her eyes and she shook her head, "So you're alive after all." 

"I guess I am," I intoned, "yeah." 

"Cool," she said in that blithe tone of hers that I used to despise. But all I wanted to do was rush her and shake her until she forgave me, "I'll see you around then." 

"Okay," I said, sounding small and entirely unlike myself. She attempted a small smile before turning towards the main entrance. 

When she walked off I gave Katie a look as we pushed through the double doors for the main hall, "What was that about?" 

She shrugged, "When you were gone, she was pretty frazzled. The entire school thought something terrible had happened to you and she went unresponsive." 

I gave her a wild look. Was it possible that Zara still cared about me?

"You guys were friends forever, she's bound to care," Katie intoned. 

I shook my head, "Still, it's just...surprising." After everything, the fight, the years of microaggressions we'd committed against each other...it was surprising to see Zara's heart beat red. I wondered if mine did the same.