Stray Kids 9th member - Our Black Swan

2. Life is unpredictable

Axl's P.O.V.

~ July 2019 ~

Today, it's been 9 months and two weeks since Hayden and I joined JYP Entertainment. It's been hard... I should say very hard. In those 9 months, there were many times when all I wanted to do was give up and go home to Grams and Roxxane. I wanted to go back to my family and friends I left there, even if it meant giving up my biggest dream... But I didn't. I couldn't. It was impossible to give up so easily and for several reasons. First of all, because this is Hayden and I's dream. We worked so, so hard to be where we are today. Second, I don't give up so easily. I'm very buttheaded. So, I couldn't just give up like this...

My brother and I talked about it after our classes about whether we should give up and go together or not. Usually we would hide in the stairwell and tell each other how we felt, how tired we were, how much pain we were in and how much we were suffering. Nobody goes up the stairs. There are far too many floors so everyone takes the lift. During our discussions, I could see that my brother was struggling, especially in the first few months. Not only because of the language, but also because of the training, which is very intense. It is also true that we were both homesick at the same time. We left everything behind to come here, without even thinking about what we would miss... Is it a good idea or not, we're still not sure, but we're persevering.

Hayden trains with the boys trainees and I train with the girls. We're not mixed in the classes. We don't do the same physical training, but whether it's one or the other, it's just as hard. As the months went by, and as we talked, we realized little by little that we didn't feel like giving up. Not like this... Not now. That's not the way we are. That's not how Dad raised us. And it's not what he would have wanted us to do. We don't want to disappoint him, just like we don't want to disappoint Grams and Ro. So we kept on fighting, until we were told that we didn't have to. Then, another reason is that when I see all the people who flunk every month after taking the tests and have no choice but to leave and see their dream crumble... I could only hang on and do even better than I did in the last test. It's costing me all the sweat and energy in my body, but it's worth it.

At first, Hayden and I were lost in the building. We were on the wrong floor, we were in the wrong room... Some people even thought that we were some foreigners who had broken into the building because we didn't speak Korean until they saw our badge and our papers... It was really complicated. I even ended up making a plan to make sure I wouldn't make any more mistakes...

The only time I see Hayden during the day is during our Korean lessons. My days are really full...

I get up at 5.30am and get ready to go to the gym at 6am. I do my cardio for 30 minutes and then for the other half hour I work on either my legs or my upper body. I alternate. I never do both at the same time. Then, at 7am, I go for breakfast with all the other trainees. Girls and boys are mixed together. This is the first time of the day that I can see my big brother. We have half an hour to eat. It's quite short so I enjoy not only my breakfast but the little time I have with him. Then, from 7:30 to 10:30, Hayden and I go to Korean class. We are taught the language, but also Korean culture, history and so on. It's very enriching, although it can seem long sometimes... Then, we have a half-hour break to take a breather. Sometimes I stay with a few girls from my group. They too don't speak Korean very well, even though two of them seem to do well. But most of the time I stay with my brother and other trainees. After half an hour, I go to my singing and rapping class. Since this class is from 11am to 1pm, I do 1.5 hours of singing and 1.5 hours of rap. Singing is definitely the easiest class for me. I can handle that. But the rap... it took me 4 long months to find my flow and work on it. Every time I took a test, I was afraid I'd be sent home because I felt so bad at rap. But now I feel more confident when I rap. At the end of this class we had another half hour break. Usually, at this time of day, we would all rest either on a bench or on the floor itself before starting the next class. From 1:30pm to 3: 30pm we have dance class. The first half hour is rather quiet because you just warm up and remember the choreography you have practiced before. The rest of the hour... It is much more intense. We repeat the same choreography over and over again without a break. We perfect everyone's moves. If even one person fails, we start all over again. It's tiring and it gets on your nerves sometimes... Especially when we, girls, are indisposed... At 3.30 pm, we have another half hour break before joining the yoga class from 4 to 6 pm. This class is a bit like those extra classes we choose in Middle and High School. Some took art, some took sports, some took science. I think I do enough art and sports during the day, so I chose yoga. Then from 6 to 8 pm we have another dance class, but with another teacher. This teacher is even stricter than the first one. Many people fear him and I understand them... His way of teaching does not make us feel confident. At the end of the course, all the trainees, boys and girls, meet for dinner. I usually sit at Hayden's table and tell him about my day and he about his. After half an hour we go to our last class which is action class and personality lessons. They teach us how to act in front of a camera, to be confident, and other things like this. They also teach us how to make a speech. This class starts at 8h30pm and finishes at 10h30pm. Then we could go back to our rooms and enjoy until we woke up the next day. But usually I had to do my Korean homework which took me until 11: 30pm, midnight. That's when I learned not to sleep much with this schedule... Every day I tell myself that I will sleep later. For now, I have to work and improve to finally live my dream.