Stray Kids 9th member - Our Black Swan

7. The fansign of my nightmare

Axl's P.O.V.

Two whole weeks have passed since my introduction in the group to the fans. The "Astronaut" music video is out, my introduction video is out, teasers, as well as the album, and without forgetting my first ever singing live performance with Stray Kids. Everything seemed to be rushed, even for the boys, but none of us can fight against time. I wish it could go slower or that the days could be longer... Stress has been invading my professional and personal life but also among the group.

I never thought a debut would be so stressful. I knew I would be excited and a little scared as I didn't really know what to expect, but I completely put aside the fact that it would stress me out this much.

I watch the music video and the video of my introduction to see if there is anything I should correct in the future. My posture, my acting, my confidence, my charisma,... Anything. But what I noticed the most was that I definitely need more confidence. I guess, just like Mr Yang said so well during my first photoshoot, we can put this in the beginner case... Not knowing the boys and debuting in a group I never worked with from one day to another definitely put a barrier on my confidence.

The day the video of my introduction and the MV dropped, we were told to do a Vlive to react live to it. The boys were sitting together and I was on the side, next to Jeongin. Knowing the camera was there as well as their managers plus mine, I tried to act as normal as I could. It was really, really stressful. I smiled and participated whenever I had to but I remembered what Mr. Yang said about being small when I'm with them. I have to admit, I haven't looked at what the fans said. I couldn't. I was too scared to discover what they could think or say about me. I know it's wrong since I'm a K-pop idol and I should be looking at what the fans said to be better, but I knew I couldn't add another charge of stress. The boys did read some positive comments about me that they found in the chat. But they were really little, and it's totally fine for me. If I happen to just have one fan, I would already be overjoyed.

Though, through the shoot of the video, I could sense a strange atmosphere. I don't know if it was because of what the fans were saying or if it was because of the stress. Was it about me? Was it about that ninth member that left? Was it hate spread to the members? I don't know...

Anyway, at least two nights a week, I see Changkyun outside. Nothing more than as friends. We just talked about everything and nothing. He tells me his day, how he feels, his fear, his daily stress, and I do the same. He often questions me about how I feel with the debut, if I'm okay with my manager, if the stress isn't taking over me... Very caring questions. It's very natural between us. It's crazy how someone you just met can seem like someone you have known for years. I've rarely felt this comfortable with someone. Though, no matter how comfortable we are with each other, I can't bring myself to admit to him that it isn't going well with Mr. Yang. I live under pressure from my manager. I don't feel supported by him or comfortable around him. Whenever I am doing something with the group or on my own, I just constantly feel stressed out to mess up or fail.

- We need Stray Kids on set in five! I heard one of the staffs, from the place where we're about to have an interview, informing us.

I'm so nervous. I try not to show it but I'm shaking. It's my first every interview with the boys and it will be the first time that the fans will see who I am. I mean, they'll hear my speaking voice and all... I don't want to be a deception.

I'm not saying I want everyone to love me. I don't. I know it's impossible. I just want people to witness my talent to respect me as an artist. I just need to make my proof and with time, hopefully, the fans will see it.

- I'm so nervous! Like excited, nervous! I heard Jeongin saying as he looked at his hyungs with a smile. He always smiles, even in the difficult moments. I wonder how he manages to keep such a bright smile even with the stress.