I follow the rules and hope that everyone else won't.
At each stop sign, I pull to a complete halt, look both ways, and wait for someone to t-bone me.
I want to go skydiving and follow the directions the instructor gives me, and then have my parachute malfunction.
I want martyrdom, I want an enviable death.
I want what Luke got without the shame and mystery that surrounds suicide.
Where do you put grief? Do you pretend they're working abroad and so of course you haven't seen them in seven christmases.
Visas, and work permits, and what not. Is it easier to pretend that there was a rift between you? That the silence was voluntary and not compulsory? Maybe they were deployed and you haven't heard from them in a while but there's still the hope that they're alive?
Any of those situations is more bearable than the truth that he's gone, he's not coming back, and he would't be proud of what you've become.
There's both a sense of futility and hope in trying to make a ghost proud.
Best case scenario he is smiling down, proud of your efforts to keep on living, keep on trying. Worst case scenario, he's trapped in a liminal space, created by your grief and your inability to move on. Most likely scenario is that he's dead and can't be pleased or displeased by your actions and you're wasting away your life without even a ghost being disappointed in you.
He didn't believe in atheism, and I believed in him, so I don't know where that leaves us.
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Grief Groups
Ficción GeneralIn the wake of his brother's death, Alex starts attending every meeting he can, regardless of what it means. Showing up drunk to AA meetings and high to NA meetings, Alex has to learn what it actually means to grieve and move on with his life.
