Dear A,
Do you believe in God? I think I agree with Camus. He said that he didn't believe in God but that he wasn't an atheist.
I don't believe in hell. I don't think a deity would give us this landscape of choices and self-awareness and then punish us eternally for getting overwhelmed,
I think maybe opting out is like pressing a reset button.
Maybe I'll be a house cat. Maybe I'll be born into circumstances that make my current life seem like a never ending stay at the four seasons.
I don't know why this time around is too much for me. I just know I need off this ride.
I'm sorry.
Do you remember when we were kids and we would play in the front yard? You were 12, I was 8.
The sun was warm and you weren't annoyed to be playing with your little brother. I felt like the king of the world.
We ran and ran and when we got thirsty, the water from the hose was sun-warmed and slightly salty, but it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever tasted.
I know you're going to take this personally, so let's clear up a few things.
This isn't your fault. There is nothing that you could have done. Forgiving yourself is going to be easier than forgiving me and for that I apologize.
I know you thought that things came easier to me. I know you're stuck in your head. It wasn't easier. I just let everything in, and the light seemed to drown out the dark,
There was nothing you could have done to make me stay. But since I'm gone now, you can do something for me. Just breathe brother. Sign up for this shit. You can do it. I love you.
-L
YOU ARE READING
Grief Groups
General FictionIn the wake of his brother's death, Alex starts attending every meeting he can, regardless of what it means. Showing up drunk to AA meetings and high to NA meetings, Alex has to learn what it actually means to grieve and move on with his life.
