I'm not Samantha | trans story

21. Intermission

🪴Sam's POV🪴

"I don't want to go."
"You have to."

I didn't see how I could go. This was my sister's funeral. The police had told me two weeks ago that she was hit by a car, they had tried to put her on life support but she sadly didn't make it through the night.

I wasn't allowed to visit or anything. The spooky thing was, the night before they told me, I'd had a strange dream.

I was on a cliff with Isa, Rosa and Othersam. We were jus talking then Isa jumped off the cliff. I was terrified I was some sort of premonition. I think it probably was.

It's all too sad.

It's my fault.

Everything's my fault.

If I'd just kept quiet, none of this would have happened. My mother wouldn't be in prison, and Isa wouldn't be dead.

Then again, if I had kept quiet, I wouldn't have met Othersam and my mother wouldn't be in prison.
Which I'm very glad she was.

That was strange.
I'd managed to divert myself from having a though spiral.

I didn't end up crying on the floor thinking about everything horrible that was happening in my life.

I'd managed to stay calm.
That's good.

Usually, I'd start off by thinking about something a little sad, then my brain would exaggerate it and force me to think about everything at once, like an extreme sensory overload.

But this time I'd managed to stop myself.
By coming to a content conclusion. I should practise this.

I tried thinking of bad stuff.

You're the reason your mum is in prison.
It's your fault your sister is dead.
Othersam hates you and wishes you never came here.
You're never going to find a job, or a home, or anything to believe in.
No-one likes you, Samantha.

No! Fight the thoughts!

Mum being in prison is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Isa's death was an accident. A complete accident, I had nothing to do with it.
Othersam is my brother, my best friend, my emotional support.
I'll find a job in no time.
Lots of people like me.
And that's not my name.

I'm not Samantha.