Telling You 'I love you' Just Doesn't Do it Anymore

Boys vs Men

"You're divine inspiration." "I would like to hear what you have to say." "A renaissance painter couldn't do justice to your hips." The list goes on. This man says he's not a poet; that he couldn't dream of stringing together words and phrases to create a map to his thoughts and feelings. He says he's "not good with words".

This man walks around unaware of the power he holds. Being in a relationship with someone who's experienced trauma is not something that is new to me, but it is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't use that as an excuse for his actions. It's one thing to be dealt the bad cards and use that as an excuse for lack of trying and in the end, losing. But it's another thing entirely to be dealt the same bad cards and work with what you're given. Author Gayle Forman wrote a conversation between the two characters Mia and Kim in which they expressed the two categories of males, "Boys" and "Men". Now when I think about the history of my love life, I can categorize my different partners that way. The interesting part here is that the "boys" and "men" have overlapping characteristics. For this example, both have a somewhat dark past. "Boys" will use these traumatic experiences and dump them on you, often using them to manipulate your emotions when they've hurt you. They say that since they were the victim in this past scenario, their innocence should translate to this current situation. "Men", on the other hand, may express that past scenario when questioned about why they responded or acted the way they did, but they don't necessarily volunteer that information in hopes that it will excuse the new blot on their record. An explanation instead of an excuse makes all the difference. "Men" will also show a desire to improve. They don't see their past experiences as a reason to remain stagnant. They see it as something to learn and grow from, and you're hell of a lot lucky if they choose to do that with you.

It didn't take me too long to realize I was currently with a "man". It's an incredible feeling to feel desirable, like your partner is constantly trying to either earn or maintain your respect. I do not mean this in a "they should feel like they'll never be good enough" type of way, I mean it more like they have a healthy understanding that the level of access to you they have is one that can be just as easily revoked as it is given. This man understands that. The continual effort that has been made in my name was shocking at first, and the parallels I've witnessed between this man and previous boys are not lost on me. The quotes at the top of this page are a first example. When these compliments were delivered, they were spoken without inhibition, as if the thoughts missed their turn and headed straight to his voice. He says things like this so genuinely and so proud that it's hard to even contemplate him lying. I've been called beautiful by my many partners, and it's great, but to me it pales in comparison to being compared to art, or being told that I am a "greater than symbol in a world of less thans". I've been under a man's lustful gaze, and I will forever be more touched when a man looks at me with reverence.

I would also like to take this moment to mention that I am not trying to simply pit my past partners against my current one, but more so I am comparing how I felt as their partner to best express my own growth and newfound awareness. Before this man I was unaware of how poorly I was being treated. I was unaware that it could be better, that I deserved better. As someone who comes from a large family, I have learned that not all of my peers are prepared for the cons that can come with that. I grew up avoiding having friends over to my house, simply because I knew it was never going to be peaceful or uninterrupted. The same went with my past romantic relationships. I remember my past partner why he didn't like being at my house (to the point of avoiding hanging out with me). He replied with something along the lines of "your family is so happy and loving, it's too hard to be around them, since I don't have that." I was trying to be respectful and understanding so I didn't push it at the time. However, it really bothered me. I felt like he couldn't appreciate my family and upbringing. I felt like I would always have to look at my family as a con I bring to the table in relationships. So when I was told by the man "for you and your family, I'd sit through anything", I was overwhelmed. I asked him why he didn't mind my loud and nosy family, and he said something along the lines of "your family is so happy and loving; I never got that growing up so it's a beautiful thing to witness. And their willingness to invite me over for things is an acceptance that I appreciate." Same background, different perspective.

This man is not hindered by his past, which is not to say that he is perfect, but it is to say that he is open to embracing the consequences and improving. I'm no oracle, so I'm not sure how long we will last. But I hope it's for a very long time, because I enjoy being told all the ways he loves me in a way that poets could only wish they could.