The Shapeshifter

High on pepper

I took a deep breath.

The pepper rose up from the palm of my hand and swirled quickly into my nose.

It was better than coke.

It was even better than jam coated celery.

Instantly, I was high and began shagging the sofa.

The sofa however, did not seem to feel the same kind of love for me and did nothing.

So the sofa, which was indeed my shapeshifting slave, turned into a dildo.

I screamed in horror, I've only ever been attracted to furniture... not body parts.

Then it happened, I fell into the sky, shot down the stairs and into the roof.

It has happened once before... but that time I wasn't high on pepper, I don't have a clue how to return to the pit away from the roof.

So I decided to sniff salt.

All of a sudden, a fairly overweight genie appeared in front of me singing to a cake with a towel around him.

I quickly realised the dildo was still inside me, so I pulled it out, observed it, and realised there was some old sperm on it from the other day, so I shoved it up the genies vagina and (he had a v and a p) and instantly a toddler popped out of his ear.

The toddler looked at me, I looked at the toddler and the genie screamed like a passion fruit meeting an orange – then we all began to grow fish legs.

I climbed off the roof into the stars and gravity pushed me higher, suddenly Tristam and Gerard appeared on the star, as the genie got eaten by the toddler.

Both Tristam and Gerard were running around in circles trying to chase each-other and I charged into the chaos in an attempt to get back to the wormhole where cats eat potatoes... all I managed to do was find out that the two were chasing each-other because Gerard had revealed Tristam's identity to the fan girls in an attempt to find Frank.

Suddenly the air pulled me sideways up to Earth, Frank appeared but Gerard died so Frank killed himself at the same time at a stray bullet hit Tristam in the face and the fat toddler, who had eaten the genie, evaporated and I appeared on my shape shifter, who turned into a bug, so I squashed him and she died, so I was alone, alive, alone.