After The Ending (John Frusciante)

Chapter 19

John couldn't get Flea's words out of his mind.

"We're going on tour, John. For months on end."

The struggles this could inflict on his and Amaya's relationship hadn't even occurred to him, let alone had he considered what it would be like to be on tour alone, without her while she stayed behind in Los Angeles.

He took a deep breath, unable to take his eyes off her sleeping figure, her head gently placed on his chest and her arm comfortably draped over him.

God, how beautiful she was.

So beautiful, so delicate. He had memorized all of her features countless of times already, fallen asleep while counting her freckles and softly sliding his hand over her hair and her cheek. And yet, he could never get enough of just watching her, admiring her in her most natural moments and wondering how it was even possible that he happened to be the lucky one to move to the house next door to her and spend nights at her place when he was a boy and finally grant himself the privilege of kissing her goodnight and making her his.

They had come such a long way and now, they were facing yet another speed bump John had no idea how to navigate.

He reminded himself of the time Amaya left for Japan and how he couldn't handle it, how he ended up hurting Amaya and also himself in the process. He felt terrified again, the confidence he felt over his relationship with Amaya flickering like the broken street lamp behind his window. He didn't even know what he was afraid of, not even remembering the last time he felt so discouraged and confused.

Did he doubt her loyalty? God, no. Her feelings? Again, a definite no. His own loyalty and feelings? God forbid, no. But there was something there that made him immensely anxious and he couldn't put his finger on it, no matter how much he tried.

Even if most of the gigs he had had with the Peppers were mostly held in California since the main focus of the last six months had been recording the album, he had travelled enough times with the band to have a pretty clear imagination of what the tour was going to be like. He had seen the amount of borderline reckless female fans and the way Tony managed his way around them, he had seen the free booze and the occasional substances finding their way to the band and he had seen the way distance wrecked Flea and his spirit once the time spent apart from his young family started to become a little too much.

He had always been convinced that he was ready to endure absolutely anything for the band and its success, ever since he had managed to make his dream come true and join his favourite quartet of musicians, but the reality of the life of a properly functioning musician was suddenly beginning to erase his illusions. Of course he understood why things were organized the way that they were, but that didn't mean that he enjoyed it.

The last thing he wanted was to hurt Amaya or hold her back while he was away.

Still distraught from the endless work his brain was putting into analyzing this situation, he got up from the bed to get himself a glass of water, leaving Amaya gently asleep in his bed. He wondered his way into the kitchen and disposed of the empty pizza box still lying on the counter, then got himself the desired glass of water and once he was finished with that, he positioned himself on one of his living room windows to have a smoke.

He watched as the cigarette lit up while he took a drag and how the ashes fell from the burned tobacco, his mind already running empty, but somehow his brain wouldn't shut itself off, making him feel awfully alert and equally exhausted at the same time. He didn't know what was wrong with him and it was starting to tick him off.

"Couldn't sleep?" he suddnely heard a soft voice behind him, soon turning around to face the owner of it.

John couldn't help but to smile as he watched her stand in the middle of his living room, the dim streetlights softly illuminating her figure. Her hair was tousled from the bed and she was wearing the The Germs t-shirt John had giver her a while ago – it was the only thing she wore when she slept at his place and he wanted to swoon at the sight.