The deepest part of my soul

Chapter 17

What does it mean to be a good person? I don't know. Even though I tried to be. A long time ago. But there comes a point when people get tired of trying and just give up. I don't remember when I got there. Although I tried, I tried so hard.

When I thought badly of someone, I always scolded and reminded myself that I wouldn't be happy if someone thought the same about me. If I thoughtlessly wished for something selfish, I remembered that what's good for me isn't necessarily good for others and took my wish back.

But let's face it, it is easier to be a 'bad' person. Because then you don't have to make an effort, because it's more natural for most people while being good is... It's a lot of work. Tiring, bitter, self-sacrificing work. Sometimes. I am sure some people find joy in it, but I don't want to sacrifice myself for others. I don't mind helping, but not if the price I have to pay is me.

I admit - if not to others, at least to myself - I am not a good person. I am nowhere near that. But Édoard Elliot has no right to judge me. No one has! A higher life form, God, if there is one, can judge, but no other. Because it is everywhere and can see everything. Which is pretty awkward because it sees the things we want to hide from everyone and knows our most embarrassing moments, but at least it doesn't tell anyone about it. I hope.

It is a weird picture to imagine it gossiping about everything with the angels. I couldn't hold back my grin. Now that would be an interesting scene.

But back to my original thought process, it alone is aware of every moment. The purpose of the court is to administer justice, but they do not always know everything. Because there are things people want to keep to themselves. In all circumstances. But you can't keep secrets from a higher life form. It knows your heart, soul, and desires, and above all, it knows you and everyone else. It is the only being who knows enough to make a just and unbiased judgment.

But I understand the importance of earthly justice. We can't let murderers and other evildoers just run around the streets and do... Well, whatever they want. But this is only a temporary punishment. And those who hide or cover up their actions will be adequately punished in the afterlife. Damn! I sound like some kind of religious fanatic. I am not one of them, there are just things I believe in. Some are quite contradictory to each other, maybe this led to my contradictory personality. But whatever, that's who I am.

I learned different things from different things and when I thought I knew everything, I realized I had no idea about anything. Isn't it funny? No, not for me. It's just sad and tiring. But funny? No way.

One thing taught me misanthropy and the other taught me that no one has the right to take someone's life. What a contrast!

I know, I knew I had no right to kill Seth, and maybe no extenuating circumstances, and probably there are no people who would say you did well, but... I would do it again. And again. Even if it will make me lost forever. Unsalvageable.

I leaned my head on the steering wheel. Strongly. Oh, don't be so dramatic! Who are you? Shakespeare? Here we go! I am making fun of myself again. I grabbed the car keys and got out of the car.

I wasn't the only reason I let him die. I was constantly worried before it happened. The way he started looking at Ailish gave me goosebumps. Those eyes... I shuddered. I was so disgusted that I wanted to slap him and hide my little sister from him. I didn't want her to experience the same things I did. I wanted to keep her as a happy child whose smile never faltered. I would have preferred to enclose her in something, as the ball hamsters have, but I know that would only harm her.

But is it possible to savour every drop of life without becoming bitter or disillusioned with the world, the beautiful and real things? Are you imagining yourself as Shakespeare or some philosopher again? I took a deep breath.