The deepest part of my soul

Chapter 35

The next day I got out of bed only after nobody was home. I wasn't sure I could keep my composure if I saw their faces. I wasn't that strong of a person.

So I dragged myself in front of my wardrobe to look for some clothes. For a while, I think this is my last chance to appear pretty. I chose simple black jeans and a cute blouse with a little bow on the front. I tried to pin up my hair in a somewhat elegant way, but I didn't know how successful I was. Anyway, I was quite happy with the result. I decided to put on some make-up and finished off with pink lipstick.

I must say I looked nice. I wish I could live my every day like this but... It's time to settle my debts.

I didn't want to take my own car so I called a taxi and told the taxi driver to take me to the heart of the city. It was a quiet, calm journey. I usually didn't pay attention to the scenery, or the things I passed by, but I wanted to remember everything this time because I didn't know when I would have a chance to witness it again in person.

After paying for the ride and getting out of the vehicle I went to a stationery store. I wasn't the type of person who went there often, but I wanted to write my letters on a nice piece of paper.

I chose the papers and envelopes myself and then asked the shop assistant to recommend me a pen that writes very nicely.

My next stop was a cafe I had never been to before. It was a stylish, spacious place dominated by black and red. There weren't many plants, it was the abstract paintings that caught people's attention. All in all, it was a nice little shop, but I preferred my workplace.

I ordered a caramel latte and while I waited for it I thought about what to write. I had a lot of thoughts before but suddenly my mind went blank. Well, I just wanted to be completely honest with them for the first and last time.

My latte had stolen my attention for a little while, it was beautifully presented. I was happy that it was the last I would drink as a free person. And the taste was superb too.

I took out my first piece of paper. My mother liked simple things so I chose a white one with little daisies on the side. Really. How should I even start? 

Dear Mother,

Thank you for always loving me, standing up for me and worrying about me. For treating my wounds and drying my tears. That you were by my side when I failed and you encouraged me not to give up.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for trying to raise me to be the best I could be, given the circumstances and the material. Thank you for the scolding, and the harsh words, because I needed them, even if I didn't see it at the time. And I'm sorry that I was never the child, the daughter you deserved. I'm sorry for not loving you enough, for being so selfish, for the bad words I said. But I hope you know, I never meant them.

Forgive me for the pain, the wrinkles and gray hairs I've caused. I'm sorry if I gave you reasons for concern or if I gave you a headache, if I made problems that were difficult to solve.

I'm sorry for the many disappointments I caused you and thank you for still loving me and never thinking of giving up on me.

And I am sorry for not telling you what happened with Seth before. I couldn't see it back then but it would have been better if I asked for your help. And thank you for being willing to carry the weight of this secret to the grave for me. But this is not what I want anymore.

I can't say I have never blamed you but with time I realized it wasn't your fault. Things just happen in life. I have no resentment or hatred in my heart towards you, I only wish for your happiness. Please, just think about yourself and do whatever makes you happy.