The deepest part of my soul

Chapter 10

I yawned hugely as stared into my mug. I got home pretty late, so no wonder I felt so tired. A walking zombie.

After Rhys stopped the car yesterday, I just said goodbye and left him. He didn't say anything, he just watched me go to my house. His gaze made me unsettled and embarrassed me.

I quietly sneaked into the house because I didn't want to wake anyone, changed my clothes, and fell into my bed. And I slept until morning without waking up.

I told my mother everything that happened to me while nursing my coffee. Well, not everything. I didn't tell her I completely lost my head, I thought Seth is my attacker and I wanted to kill him. It was better to keep this to myself. I didn't want to end up in a mental institution.

„This is what happens when someone comes home too late." My little sister made a witty comment, she was quite grumpy. Her eyes were sad and she seemed a little lonely. I am so stupid! I almost hit myself in the forehead. Recently I haven't had time for her and have been neglecting her. Right now, when she most needs reassurance that everything will be okay and we won't leave her.

„Shall we do something together this weekend?" I brought it up. „It's been a while since we spent some time together." Her eyes lit up and she finally smiled. I deserve a big slap for just realizing this now. No matter how many problems I have, I always have to make sure I have plenty of time for her. „Mother should join us as well." I looked at her and she nodded with a smile.

„Great idea!" Ailish said and I could hear the gears start turning in her head. „I don't know what we should do. It depends on the weather. If the weather is good maybe we should go out for a picnic. If not, then we could watch a movie. There is one I am interested in." I stood up and ruffled her hair. Instead of getting annoyed, she just smiled. I was surprised. Very much.

„Everything will be as you wish." I promised her and went back to my room. Despite all the crap that happened, I did have good memories. And I wanted to give her nice ones too. Maybe there is nothing else I can do for her. „I am going, have a nice day." I said and left the house.

This time, no one will take my parking spot. Nowadays I had no luck but yes! I get there early and I could take my usual place. I parked the van and met Shannon at the corner. It was the same as every day, but her behavior was different.

„A morning coffee?" She never drinks coffee and I already did, but I nodded. We have plenty of time before the first class. We decided to go to my workplace because it was conveniently close. That was another reason I liked working there.

„Did you get home safely?" She asked after sitting down and ordering.

„Yes, I did." I answered tersely. She was unusually quiet and avoided my gaze. We were silent until we got our drinks, and then she finally started talking.

„I don't know what happened to you," he wouldn't even look at me for God's sake, instead she was stirring her cocoa. „But I want you to know, I am with you no matter what. If you want someone to listen, I am here and I will be here." This caught me off guard. Especially since it's only morning. I wasn't entirely awake.

Yes, I've always wanted someone to listen, but I am the one who is unable to find the words and say them out loud. The mask of stability I put on every morning was cracked but not broken. Not yet. I sighed.

Sometimes I really don't know where I begin and where this mask I wear in front of most people ends. I don't even know which is the real me and which one is just a facade. I've been pretending for so long that I've melted into the mask and it has melted into me. But then where am I? What am I? If I am not who I was and I am not who I pretended to be... Then who am I?