Seeking Gaston Lynx Esquivel

Chapter 34

I put enough distance between us. Making sure that his touches could not reach me. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko, isang haplos niya lang ay baka bumigay ako ng tuluyan.

"G-Gaston...I'm sorry." My eyes are almost blurry because of my continuous tears.

I wiped it again and looked at him carefully. He was so confused looking at me.

"I-I w-wanna end this now." I was struggling to say each word. And it kills me.

No. This is probably worse than death itself.

Slowly, I saw realization hitted him. He swallowed hard and quickly, I saw his eyes panicked.

It hurts seeing him like this. I never wished to see him like this.

"Carmella, lets talk---"

"Ayoko na nga! What part didn't you understand, Gaston?!" I burst out.

But I have to. This is the right thing to do.

He was shocked by my scream. He licked his lips then looked at me carefully with his bloodshot eyes. I saw him wipe away some unshed tears and it breaks me.

"Baby...let's talk about this. What's the issue? Hmmm…" He slowly stepped forwards and I quickly stepped back.

Muli kong nakitaan ng sakit ang kanyang mga mata sa ginawa ko. He looked at me and he didn't hide away how hurt he was by my actions.

"Let me help you…please…"

With his long steps, and before I could even process it. He enveloped me into a tight hug. Ramdam ko ang kawalan ng lakas ng katawan ko sa bisig niya. Para akong unti-unting natutunaw nito.

I sobbed harder in his arms as he tightened his hug more.

"Please, baby...Let's sort this out." He pleaded with his broken voice.

Humagulgol ako sa yakap niya. My defences are slowly collapsing. But I have to remember that this isn't just about us.

I loved him but it wasn't enough. Love isn't enough.

Dahil sa kanya natuto ulit akong pahalagahan at mahalin ang sarili ko. Pero hindi pa ako buo. Alam ko sa sarili ko na kapag pinagbigyan ko siya ngayon, na kapag pinagbigyan ko ang mga sarili namin ngayon, alam kung lulubog ako sa huli.

At ayoko kong isama siya sa paglubog ko. Ayoko siyang idamay.

And I do not want him to come after me, if it happens. I smiled bitterly as for sure he will continue chasing me, so I need to end it now. I have to.

With my remaining strength, I pushed him with all my might. I do not know if I pushed him hard or if he was just weak, but I was able to push him and put enough distance between us again.

"Please, Gaston! Let's just end this now! I do not want this set up anymore! This is suffocating me." I pleaded like my life depended on it.

He looked at me like he just can't believe what I've said to him.

"I'm tired of this situation! Please just let me go..."

He avoided my gaze as he wiped away the tears on his eyes. He put his hands on his waist then looked at me again.

I hurt him again, and I could see it all over his face.

"You're begging me to let you go?" Mapait niyang tanong sa akin.

With my trembling lips and still teary eyes, I slowly nodded at him. My whole body is trembling and a few minutes more of standing in front of him, alam kung bibigay na ako.