Ashes

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Ashes

All I can smell is smoke as my body jolts awake in a panic, the urge to run intensifies and crashes within seconds as I take in my surroundings. I wince at the burning feeling of the bile rising in my throat as I try and calm down, my stomach churning at the broken fragments of my own memories haunting my mind.

 My hands ache while I clutch the fabric of my thick knitted blanket, feeling the smooth fibers brace around my skin, to my chest as I continue to gulp down air like my lungs were starved. the ache in my throat burning with each breath as I try to swallow over and over at the threatening sensation of puking up bile from my already empty stomach. 

Sweat coated my entire body but yet I needed to keep my hold on the blanket that was keeping me grounded after waking up in such a state. It takes a moment for me to let go of my blanket to  push back my damp hair. I look around one more time to make sure that it wasn't real. My once light pink walls were now beige. I could see more of the walls as all of my posters and photos were nonexistent now. I sighed heavily at the sight I longed to see once more, just the weight it held. The same one that I felt pressed in the center of my chest each morning. I got to wake up when they dead, buried in graves I don't think I can ever have the heart to see.

My eyes dance around the room once more, just in case. But, there isn't any smoke or fire, at least for now. I am safe in my room at my aunt's house.

I am safe

I keep repeating that it in my head until my breathing finally eases to a steady pace. I use my free hand to haphazardly rub my face roughly and sigh again. I lay back down harshly with a thud and reach beside my pillow to grab my phone that was laying beside me face down and plugged into the charger. Quickly pulling the cord from the bottom so that I can check the time, blinding myself in the process. To see it read 5:15 AM made my hear sink once more. I haven't slept much in months and here I am forced to endure something I don't think I can really face again, people.  

It takes me a while to decide if I should even attempt to try and go back to sleep tor that I should just make my time valuable and get ready even though my body is screaming at me to stay in bed. Starting at a new high school during my senior year. My aunt refused to even let me entertain the idea of just dropping out and getting my GED online. It's not what they would have wanted for me.

Right, they would have wanted me to see it through completely and make something of myself in any way I chose. I was robbed of that. I was told it was a kitchen appliance or a wire gone bad that robbed me of getting to see them proud that I would be graduating early, proud that I had almost completed my portfolio to start doing what I loved after graduation. I was robbed of every moment I could have had with them. 

As soon as I feel the tears fall from my eyes and hit the silk sheet, I decide to let my mind go blank for while as I get up and stretch my arms and legs from the curled up position I was in while I slept. I start mindlessly getting things I need to take a shower and hurry out of my room to the bathroom across the hall. 

Turning as soon as I pass the threshold to the bathroom to avoid catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Something I just can't stand to see the sight of these days. I almost hit my face on the sliding glass door before opening it so that I can turn the water on. While I waited, I started taking off my damp, sweaty pajamas and threw them into the half full dirty hamper in the corner.

 Within minutes the steam starts to fill the room. I took no time waiting to step into the blistering water so that I could relish in the feeling of the scorching water hit my skin. The stinging pain of the shocking heat warming me, like throwing ice into a hot pan. Most days I feel like a drone just moving through the most basic and mundane tasks. Numb until I feel something familiar, pain.