Ashes

-4-

(Present Day)


Just like every other early morning, I wake up drenched in sweat and jumping out of bed. Like I need to spring into action immediately. My body keeps reacting like I've been transported back in time when the house was aflame. Sucking in all the air I can like I am starved for it as the nagging memory of how sweaty and grimy I was while standing in my smoke filled room was fresh in my mind.

The decision of calming down wasn't an option for me tonight as I padded my way through the house. My heart hammering in my chest to the point I could feel it in my hands. All this and the way I was hyperventilating, I was mere minutes away from an anxiety attack.

I would be waking up Gina but at this point, but I needed relief. Anything to stop this feeling. Feeling as if I could rip skin right off of the muscle while their voices remained in my memories like an ear worm.

I needed to remove the screams and explosions out of my mind, seeing their faces turning around me like I'm stuck in the middle of a carousel that I can't seem to get off. Forever reverberating in my mind to remind me just how useless I was in the situation. When I was the only one who got to walk away. I didn't deserve it, I was useless.

I didn't even knock, I busted open Gina's bedroom door without any regard to her being asleep. Hair clinging to the sweat that covered my face as I made my way to her bathroom, assuming thats where she would keep my meds. My eyes were wild scanning all the bottles in her cabinet until I grew impatient and starting grabbing bottles and scanning them for my name.

"NOVALIE!"

"Please, no"

My voice the only other thing that I could hear as my memories fully consumed me. I kept the pace of only looking at the labels for only a second before tossing the plastic pill bottles to the floor.

"WE LOVE YOU!"

"It should have been me!"

"Even if they can't get us, I would know you made it"

"It should have been me!"

I felt hands on my shoulders pulling me back from the medicine cabinet, almost throwing me to the wall, but I couldn't hear the pill bottles that I was tossing aside hit the tile. Everything in my mind was far too loud to even register anything happening around me.

"I should have died too" I could barely even speak due to my voice being strained. It was as if I had been screaming for hours. Maybe I had and I was just too disoriented to hear it.

"For fucks sake, Nova!" I finally heard Gina's voice when she flipped me around to face her, forcing me back into reality. My chest was heaving and I couldn't get enough air as my irritated eyes scanned her face along with the bathroom. My stomach turning, felling like I was going to get sick from the adrenaline rising and crashing in such a small span of time. Gina's eyes were locked on mine looking at me in pure bewilderment in seeing me in such a state. I couldn't help but feel a massive wave of embarrassment as I become more aware of how dire the situation was. Never have I been more dependent or requested on my various medications, never mind how I looked right now.

My lips were quivering as my clammy hands gripped her wrists as they clutched my shoulders, fingers digging into the muscle and into bone out of fear I would just continue the frenzy. I knew what I wanted to say but the words were choking me a bit. "Pl- plea- please make it stop" I begged as tears started to slide down my cheeks.

I was falling to the bottom and she was watching me sink. Gina slowly looked all around the floor to everything I had threw out of the cabinet in my search as I selfishly woke her up. She was searching for the proper meds far calmer than I had. Her hands finally letting me go to grab a few bottles that I threw on the floor. leaving my muscles aching at the bruises that no doubt were starting to form.