Ashes

-5-

Three months ago (PART 2)

The last time I spoke to Brett was the night of the accident and to be honest, I don't know if that helped or just made it worse. I wanted the comfort that someone in his position could hold but I never found it. Eventually, I stopped. I was tired of being treated as if I were going crazy, as if the situation shouldn't effect me like it has. The only hope that I held onto that he still cared was that I do know he would check on me from time to time by texting Macey. Macey would constantly reassure me that he was just trying to give me the appropriate space. Why would he treat me that way when all I wanted was to hear his voice or see his face? I didn't want space, I wanted him. 

I lost everything, not only my parents, but everything I have ever owned. There were only a few things I had left. One being the shoes that were too muddy to keep inside, I had left them by old soccer goal in my yard and the necklace I had also tucked into my shoe. It was a necklace my dad had bought my mother when they were dating, a small sapphire pendant that had my father's initials engraved on the back. I was hell bent on taking everything even if it was ruined. Gina advised against it and ended up buying replacements, like I wouldn't notice.

I didn't fight it again, knowing I was only trying to hold onto what I could. I would have to let go; I really think a huge part of died along with everything else. Even though life continued to move on. I had to remind myself that most of my belongings most likely didn't look remotely like they did before I jumped from the window. The entire house was decimated, nothing would be in tact for me to keep. 

I could tell that everyone around me was doing so much to make sure I was distracted. So, I painted on a fake smile and stayed quiet until it made someone else uncomfortable; then I would just laugh a bit to make it seem that I was paying attention . Otherwise, I would have to hear Macey make small comments, even she was growing tired of the pace of my grief. Macey started off being thoughtful and would try to distract me. I think she became tired of trying as it didn't really change much.

So here I am, entertaining one of the many distraction attempts of the day. Sitting on the carpeted floor of Macey's room surrounded by several caddies of fingernail polish and powders to make her own nails. Macey wanted to watch some monstrosity of a television show and pamper ourselves. Our family's had all planned on a beach trip for next week and Macey wanted to start testing out her products to look her best for any attention she could get. I think everyone still expected me to go since everything was paid for. I feel like I am stuck in the Twilight Zone, I don't want to sit in the sand and cry in front of everyone. I'd rather just go with Gina a week sooner so I could cry alone.

I would space out during the show to get nudged hard in my bad side, which was still heavily bruised, snapping me back to reality. "Earth to Novalie!" Macey waved her hand in front of my face to get my attention and scrunched up her nose "What color do you want?" Macey turned her small case filled with nail polishes to me. I am not sure if it is just what happened to me making me quick to anger, but I wanted to punch Macey. Being so inconsiderate and pushy doesn't help in the slightest.

Instead, I took a short breath and quickly scanned the box and picked a sheer nude color and shook it before starting to paint my big toenail. "Live a little, be bolder!" Macey snorted as if I was a prude. I had two options, lash out or cave, so I caved and picked a deep red to shut her up and get her out of my face.

Macey is only trying to help in her own way, I kept reminding myself, so I could reel in the anger that I began to feel rolling off of me. I just need to calm down and remember she's trying to help. I need to be grateful her and her family is letting me stay while everything gets worked out, but I had my limits. I finished painting my toenails as Macey started yelling at the show like the characters could hear her. I took this opportunity to fade out again. Every time I did, all I could hear was the sounds of my parents screaming for me, causing me to completely hold my breath.