Ashes

-6-

CURRENT TIME (THERE WILL BE FLASHBACKS BUT THOSE WILL BE IN ITALICS)

Typical morning, waking up drenched in sweat and panting for breath far before my alarm. I need to mention my nightmares again to my therapist, but at the same time I don't want to go. Survivor's guilt is what gets preached to me and I am given homework to think on whatever question she asks me at the end.

The last time I went I was asked to think about how the roles would have been reversed, would I want them to feel the way I do? Stupid question really, I want that every day, at least they'd be alive. It does make me wince though thinking about how they would feel in my situation. Would they blame themselves or lose their will to live if I had died? Would they have ended up just as I had?

The thought alone makes me shake my head hard like I'm trying to that the thought to fall out of my ears. Swinging my legs off the side of the bed for my feet to meet the soft deep green rug beneath the bed. Gina really did go overboard with everything; it was nice that she remembered something I liked though, it just left me feeling more and more guilty. Leaning back, I fumble for my phone under my blanket to see that its 4:25. I should go back to sleep, but I know I can't.

Closing my eyes, I just see fire and smoke. I rub my hands over my face calm down a bit and stand to my feet. Shuffling around the room to grab some clothes to get a shower, just a basic ripped jeans and crop band tee. I find myself trying to disassociate in the bathroom the most. I have become accustomed at avoiding mirrors and putting on basic makeup without one, makes me feel like I have a bit of a superpower. Even if the task was born out of fear of what I would see.

As I finally leave the bathroom, I head for the coffee maker. It's become more of a routine than anything. As I wait, I thumb through my messages on my phone seeing that I had some missed text from Macey that I never answered from a couple months ago. I felt a heavy ping of guilt for how I acted the last time I saw her. Instead, I just send Brett a message.

ME: Another nightmare. Cool to call whenever.

The coffee maker stopped finally so I could fill my thermos and get out the door. Rushing for no reason other than to rot at that rickety picnic table alone. The thought of seeing Cole out there again made me nervous. I just wanted to be alone.

Gina's bedroom door cracked open slowly and shocked me a bit. "Sorry, Gina. I couldn't go back to sleep so I just made it another early morning. I didn't mean to wake you" I felt so bad knowing that it was before six and she didn't leave until after I did. When she stepped through to the kitchen, she was fully dressed and her wild hair was straightened and tame. "I have an early day today, you didn't wake me. That lovely smell got my attention though!" Gina strides to the coffee maker and poured herself a mug.

I started remembering Brett and checked to see he read my message but never replied, not even opened. I didn't expect him to, it was early and I am sure he is still asleep. "Do you care if I stay the weekend with Brett?" I blurted the question before I could chicken out. Gina froze for a moment and then placed her mug on the counter.

"The weekend.. like the whole weekend?" Gina asked in confusion as her eyebrows knit together "Wait.. You're still with Brett?" her question is completely valid. The twisted look of confusion and disgust prominent on her face as she waits for me to answer.

I haven't talked to her about Brett since the beach fiasco. "Uh, yeah. There is a party this weekend and Brett needs me there." I couldn't even look at Gina in the eye, I knew she was either shocked or disappointed. Gina sighs heavily and makes her way to the small kitchen table and motions for me to sit across from her. I hesitate a moment before her eyes get a little more stern. I quickly get in the chair and try and avoid her gaze. The grooves in the walnut wood were suddenly super interesting.