The Ring between us

chapter 16

I got up feeling a bit better today. my skin is red from the hot water I used yesterday. I have to wear something to hide it.

my nightmares are back and I am scared to take the prescribed pills again. I want to stay strong.

I hate doing this to myself, but I can't help the fact that I feel dirty and need to wash it off.

I decided to go with a black coloured blazer type of shirt with flared sleeves. black flared dress pants and black heels. off course a black bag as well. I could break off the black with coloured heels and purse. but I like the all black outfit. gives off that mysterious vibe. which I like.

hm I am thinking wether to do silver or gold jewelry. I think gold will look better. so I added gold earring, watch and rings. I kept my small necklace that I keep on all the time. it is on a soft chain with angel wings. I love how soft and simple it is. I never took it off since that day.

while putting on my jewelry, I decided I have to journal my thoughts to feel better.

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it was the last gift from my mom on my 18th birthday. also a graduation gift. I graduated high school on my bd week. when she gave it to me she said "when I saw this necklace it remind of me, my sweet little angel. I can't believe you are all grown up now." I said nothing and hugged her. it was the best gift ever.

little did I know that it would be her last gift for me.

I miss her so much. she Was the best mother in the whole world. every time I see kids who are giving a bit of trouble to their mom I say "even if you hate your mom now and wish she was not there. one day you will miss her. so love her with all you can before it is too late."

I wish if I could go back in time and change up a few things. like the days were me and mama would argue on something stupid. or the days she would yell at me to do my chores. I will pay no matter how much it costs, even if it costs my life, just to see her one more day. I would do it.

I miss her hugs, kisses, voice. I miss her.

to mama: I am so sorry mom for everything I did to you as a kid. look at me now I am all grown up. I became a lawyer like you always dreamed of me becoming. my sisters are doing great. Mia is a nurse now and Maya is in fashion school like you envisioned them to be. they miss you as well. we are doing great besides our sperm donor. I know you hate me calling him by that name. but I can't help myself but to call him that. I protected my sisters like I promised you. I am so sorry mom because I did not protect myself. he still abuses me and I can't anything about it. to keep my sisters safe like I promised. one day it will stop but for now I am going to endure it to make Sure that Maya and Mia stay out of it. I know that is not what you want me to do, but its all I could do at the moment. I changed my last name to yours mama. i saw you in my dream last night mama after that nightmare, you looked happy for once in your life. I know that you had to fake your smile in front of us, because of all the things you were going through. I felt your pain mama but I did not want to worry you more. so I pretend everything was fine and I was happy. I can't help but to blame myself for what happened to you mama. I know you will tell me that I am being ridiculous and I should not think like that. like everyone around me says. I am so sorry mama for not protecting you. I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry mama, you are not here with us because of me. I am so sorry mama. so I will never forgive myself mama and continue to blame myself. you told me that you do not want to see my pretty eyes crying ever again. I am sorry mama that I did not keep that promise as well., I cry everyday without you. I am a very disappointment to you mama. I could not keep so many of the promises I made to you. I hope you are not mad and still love me, because I still love you so much and missed you a lot. I hope to see you in heaven mama. who knows it might be soon or not.

keep doing well mama until I meet you again.

love you,

Mira

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a tear slipped out of my eye and landed next to my name on the page. I closed the note book and kept it away.

I cried for a little while. good I cried before I applied my makeup. otherwise it would have went everywhere.

I finished crying and washed my face. my stomach still hurts from yesterdays kick and the fucking accident. like what is more that I am missing.

god must love me so much. to put me through this much pain.

ugh. shit my eyes are puffy. now fal will know that I cried. I went over my eyes with ice roller to hopefully reduce the puffiness fast. it is working I think. ok that is enough for now. I started applying makeup and mid way through there was a knock on my door. for sure it is fal.

"come in"

I knew it! it is her.

"hey bitch"

"hey"

"omg you are going to work after everything?"

"yes so"

"you are crazy thats all."

trust me I know damn well.

"looks like you have something to say. which is why you are up this early. what is it?"

she is blushing. oh thats new.

"spillllllll"

"um I wanted to ask you if you wanted to meet the sex therapist today for dinner. what the fuck am I saying you were just in the hospital yesterday and..."

I laughed.

ouch it hurts.

"fal, fal, chilll. yes I would love too. text me the details and I will make it."

"are you serious?"

"yes. I. swear. but on one condition."

"which is?"

"dinner is on me."

"are fr now..... uhhhgg fine I guess."

"ok slay."

I finished applying my lipstick, sprayed perfume.

"you look amazzz"

"thank you."

I grabbed my bag and sunglasses.

"I have to go now and do not you dare touch my closet."

"geee your closet is boring anyways. byeeee. hate you"

"byyee. hate you moreee. "

I left her in my room and went down stairs quickly to avoid Mila.

I went outside and the cool air with the sun ray hits me.

today is going to be a great day.

telll me why I cried writing the letter? I am still crying. did you guys cry as well?