Such a lonely day, the most loneliest day of my life. And If you go.. I wanna go with you, and if you die... I wanna die with you. -- Those lyrics constantly repeat in my mind, like thoughts i cannot escape. They are true. My life, my heart, my head.. They are all so lonely. My days are full of loneliness. People are so draining; but not only that - they are predictable. Dear god, I don't even know why or how but i can always predict what one will do next, like my father for example. I knew he was going to bring up my sisters, talk about them like I am just some person he sees rarely, like they are superior to me. I get it, they're so much younger and somehow manage to live better than i do.
Listen. I am sorry I am tired of this world, it's so boring! It's so empty, i am searching for a feeling i have forgotten - or so i think i did. I don't know what this feeling is, but i search for it in everything i do and everyone i speak to. I don't see the point in actually living, because to me... Living is just doing everything you can do not kill yourself. One distraction after the next, if you're not obsessive then in your soul is nothing... I exist more in my very head than my body, i zone out for so long; not even always thinking about anything at all. I am always listening to music, i am trying so SO hard to escape myself, i want to escape this world; yet here i am existing despite it all. I am getting deeper and deeper into despair, this is what i wanted, wasn't it?.. I always talked about driving myself to the utmost madness, going fully insane. Well -- darling.. It is working. I love you and it is getting worse, my soul needs you... It needs you so much i start to feel sick and in love?
I have so much i want to tell you.. So much that i force myself to stay quiet. Nobody has gotten this close to my soul before you, you're the only one who has fully understood my soul. I love you dearly; you do not understand what i mean. I would leave my very existence behind if you asked me to, i would drop everything in this world if you just wanted me to. I would run away with you from this world, just the two of us. But -- even so that is fact.. I am as well too far gone for repair. Myshka, i will always be yours. But i am so gone, so empty, so bored with this world that. I can't even feel at home in my own head anymore, everything bores me, everything but for you. My love for you is so dangerous, so addicting, it is horrifying. I lock myself up inside my thoughts, i zone out, i stare at your messages and i want to talk to you i want to tell you everything in my own will!! But i can't - it is scary.
I go crazy because... Here is not where i wanted to be, there is something wrong with me again. You see, i demand unconditional love and complete freedom; that is why i am terrible. I am empty, private, and easily bored. Another thing is ; the other day i was laying in bed, so quietly, so still. And for once, i felt my heart beat. I forget i have a heartbeat, i feel like a ghost so much. I don't think i am actually a human, more like a spirit who watches everything from a third person point of view. From the mind and very soul, i am the third point of view. But after i started talking to you.. That very first hour. I do not have the words to describe it in the full depths i want to. I remember every feeling though. I had no sleep, i was not taking care of myself at all. I honestly thought i was being delusional and imagined you and our conversation, or maybe that it was a dream instead. I hadn't slept the entire night before... But it was real. I felt such a strange and strong connection, i thought we already knew each other, that maybe you were one of my friends already and just made a new account, but we had not met at all before that night? Hearing you talk about your life, it felt familiar. Talking to you everyday became my favorite thing, my reason of existence. It gave me this feeling i have always wanted, it still does. But my love for you is only growing more and more, i am going insane, madly insane because of this. I couldn't run away from it this time because... My dearest, without you.. I am nowhere. I found with you a life force i'd thought i lost. Look at you... I would die for you. I would kill for you. Either way, what bliss.. If somebody ever asked me how long i have loved you for, i wouldn't even be able to answer that question... It has been coming on so gradually that i hardly know when it began. I am yours, i am whatever you want me to be! I would do anything you want me to, even if it destroyed me i would do it. Myshka.. The stars will burn out before i ever forget you. You are the only person i've ever met who seems to have the faintest conception of what i mean when i say a thing; and that is literally, everything i have been searching for my entire life. I don't want to be worshipped, just understood.. So for this; I submit my soul to the disaster of loving you. Yes, i said it. I submit my soul to you, i merely exist just for you. everything else is just a distraction.
Poetry, dreams, desire, everything leads me to you. I will never finish falling in love with you, you are dear to me. I don't want to let you go, and i won't give you up. ;))
