What's freedom?

Love?

The world is against me...
I want her...
But no one wants me to have her...
They say she's bad and I will get hurt...
I don't wanna get hurt.
But I love her...
I just...
Want to love her.
She loves me. I know that.
She told me.
Her boyfriend loves me too, I think...?
They are confusing.
Love is confusing.
I feel in my heart that she is the one.
But I've been told she try's to get into love triangles and it never works out good...
I'm scared.
I have two different sides.
Both good reasons.
Both I live in different ways.
Maybe I'm the problem...
I'm too unstable for a relationship...
I should just be alone forever...
No one truly loves me...
I just wish I had guidance.
Someone, anyone to help me...
I need to know what to do...
No one will help me.
I guess I'll be a third wheel forever...
She just needs a friend...
I'm just a friend to her...
I don't truly love her, it's all apart of my mind.
My heart fools me...
It laughs and torments me.
My heart hurts...
Why is it like this!
Why can anyone be happy with me...
Why does no one agree with me for once.
I feel like I'm in a endless battle...
I want my lifetime war to stop...
I want to be at peace for once.
Just once!
I would do anything to feel better!
I want to love...
But I'm afraid.
What if something happens like last time...
What if I go out of control...
My brain isn't functioning properly...
I should be fixed.
Cured.
Made anew.
Perfect.
I should be perfect.
What is wrong with me...
Why does this happen to me.
I never asked for this!
Bad thoughts occur...
I don't wanna stay here anymore.
But I would never take myself.
I'm not selfish.
I don't want to disappoint anyone...
Or hurt anyone.
Or feel the embarrassment.
I can't handle embarrassment.
I feel like I burst into flames when I'm embarrassed.
I want to hurt myself so I don't hurt others.
But I have no where I can hide the scars.
People will know.
They will find out.
They will send me to a bad place.
To be fixed.
Cured.
Treated.
Helped.
Corrected.
Rejuvenated.
I don't wanna go to that bad place.
I remember all those people I love when I have bad thoughts.
I can't leave them.
I'll let them down.
I can't do that to them.
My heart can't take it.
I want love.
I need it.
But there is no one for me.
How can I love when I'm hurting so much.
The world is against me always.
The world.
My world.
My mother.
My father.
My sisters.
My grandparents.
My friends.
My best friends.
My favorite people.
My crushes.
My own self.
They are all against me.
How?
How does it come to that...
How does everyone, that I know and care for, turn against me in my darkest of times.
No help.
No guidance.
No tips.
No one to guide my way with the light of wisdom and love through the treacherous darkness of deception.
Lies.
No one is here for me.
Everyone I've ever know has thrown a knife, a blade, a spear, a punch, a pitchfork, a kick, or anything else, in my back.
I wish I could find someone who will pull those weapons out of my back and heal those old and new scars.
I feel too weak for myself to do so.
I've fallen too deep in the lake of my own tears and blood.
I've fallen too deep in that lake, so deep...
it's suffocating...
Lake of despair.
Lake of suffering.
Lake of depression.
It'll turn from a lake to a sea.
That turns into an ocean.
It goes deeper and deeper.
I can't get out.
I can't swim up.
I am fine...
As I lie through my teeth.
I always say that.
When will I tell someone how far bad off I am...
I wanna go home...