Modern Desires

To Hell and back again

Luci

I never thought I'd be back here. Back in Hell. Good old eternal damnation. The only difference is that this time, I'm on the other end of the pitchfork.

I always end up finding a new way back here, but I've run out of new ways out.
Last time, I gave up my immortality to help out these two morons. My cellmates. My friends. And I don't use the dirty 'F' word often. I'm a demon!

A demon shouldn't be stuck in hell!

I'm left to stew in my own weak-heartedness. In front of me is a screen replaying the moment where I lost it all and gained two friends. It's boring into my brain. Instead of this, I could've been the one holding the pitchfork at the entrance to the punishment cave, tightening Bean's manacles, and taunting Elfo by holding things out of reach.

Damn. That looks so fun.

Lucifer knocks on the rock above the cave's entrance. He has to duck to fit, but when he does manages to squeeze inside, he seizes my little birdcage in his meaty hands and snarls in my face.

"Pee yoo!" I fan his horrid breath away from my face, "too busy to brush, Lucifer?"

"I don't expect you to understand the workload of a modeen, career focused demon. Not all of us have the time for frolicking and betrayal like you do, Lucifer."

My tail takes takes initiative and jabs my former boss in his face.

I fall to the ground as he lets go of my cage.

"That'll keep him away for long enough," I think to myself as he ducks out of my cave's doorway, "long enough for me to carry out the escape plan I was plotting since last week."

I had snatched the keys from Lucifer's belt with my hand while my tail kept him busy. Fumbling the keys excitedly, I finally find the right one and open my cage door.

I hum a lovely evil ditty to myself as I pick through the other keys to find Elfo and Bean's. Soon enough, I find Bean's overly-large and rusty saviour. I love how it's a reference to her dad. Man, I love how Bean's daddy issues can serve as the butt of an endless amount of jokes.

The key to Elfo's manacles is a key fob. When the button is pressed, it makes a horrible deflating whistling sound, reminiscent of the merry tunes of Elfwood. I love, love, love how creative the latest batch of demons are. Maybe it's all the competition from the previous generations. Demons are immortal, so as more demons are born, generations pile on generations. I like to think of it as like the plague pits of Dreamland.

"Hey," Bean rubs her wrists, "How are we getting out of here, Luci? You don't have wings anymore, remember?"

"Well, Bean, my good pet drunkard, Hell is like artisan cheese."

"It smells horrible?" she guesses, "Ooh no, wait, wait, it attracts rich snobs!"

"Yes and yes," I admit, "but also no."

I patter down the banister-less staircase, hugging the brimstone cliff. "It's full of holes."

"Like hokey pokey!" Elfo pipes up.

"Uh yeah, sure," I say absentmindedly, searching for the telltale signs of a hole to take us back to Dreamland.

"Aha!" Bean points at a large crack up ahead. Unnatural white light is spilling out of it. Chains corden it off, but we ignore the "Do Not Enter" signs and duck underneath.

"Wait," Bean's hesitates, "Luci, are you sure this is safe? I mean, I've died before, but I don't want to...die more. Is there a second afterlife if you die in Hell?"

"Let's find out!" I cackle and shove her in. Her screaming fades away. I turn to Elfo.

"After you, good sir," I bow mockingly.

"Luci," he looks at me with his tiny green hands on his hips, "if this portal leads to Heaven, I will kill you. I can't go back there and face God again."

"Buddy, if we end up in Heaven, God will kill me himself."

Elfo opens his mouth to say something else annoying, but I shove him into the portal before anything inane escapes it.

"Waaaaaahhhh!!"

I jump in after him. The bright light consumes me.