Modern Desires

Welcome to Steamland

Bean

We stepped through the doors of the Steamland tower I woke up in and found ourselves in...Steamland?

"No. This isn't Steamland."

"Bean?" Elfo tugs at my shirt, "Bean? I don't mean to doubt you, but," he laughs, "of course this is Steamland."

"You're probably just a bit loopy from the drugs they pumped you full of in the tower," Luci pats my hand condescendingly.

"No, I'm not tripping, guys," I insist, "This definitely isn't Steamland."

"No, it definitely it, silly," Elfo says.

"Look," I point at a huge sign with a picture of a smooth, slick red stience carriage on it, "those are called 'cars' here. That must've been what I was run over by. A car."

"Ohhh," Elfo smacked his forehead, "'Car' is short for the 'carriage' in 'stience carriage'. It all makes sense now."

I look at him askew, "What? No. It probably mean—"

"Carnage," Luci butts in, "'Car' is short for carnage."

"No," I clap a hand over their mouths, "The 'Car' is named after the inventor of the normal carriage, Carol Carriage. She was married to the king of Dreamland a hundred years ago, which makes her my great-great-great stepmother."

"But if this isn't Steamland, how do you know if this place has even heard of Dreamland and Carol Carriage?" Luci points out.

I lean up against a metal box and think about it. If this isn't Steamland, we have no idea how to get back to Dreamland. We have no way home.

Elfo pats my knee reassuringly. "I'm sure everything will work out, Bean. It always does."

"That's nice, Elfo," I sigh, "but it didn't work out when we were burnt alive and went to Hell."

Elfo looks up at me, and for a moment, I see what all his past girlfriends saw. Despite his whiny personality, low intelligence, and nasally voice, Elfo has beautiful eyes.

I cough behind my hand and look away before I tell him.

"Bean," he continues obliviously, "look around us. We're not in Hell anymore."

I glance around at our surroundings. At the bright lights and flashing signs. At the cars and menacing towers.

"I don't know, Elfo. It'd be just our luck if we're in a lower region of Hell."

"Nah, there's no such thing as more than one layer of Hell," Luci says, "Now stop your nattering, I'm trying to concentrate here."

Luci sticks his tail into the metal box I'm leaning against. He leans in, ear against the metal, listening. There's a click and coins pour out.

"Woah!" I shout, darting to scoop up the coins in my shirt.

"BEAN!" Elfo wags an admonishing finger in my face, "Don't steal!"

Luci cackles. "Or what? You'll smack her on the bum bum?"

"Yes!" Elfo glares at Luci, who only laughs harder.

"Wait," Elfo realises what he agreed to, "No, Bean, I'm not in— I mean, I won't!"

I snicker. "Whatever, Elfo. We already know what you think of smacks on the bum bum. Just leave me out of it."

Elfo turns greener and pulls his pointy hat over his face.

After Luci and I clear up the coins, we turn to Elfo.

"Come on, Elfo," I beckon, "you can stew in your embarrassment while Luci and I drink beer. It's been an eternity since I had a drink."

"Fine," he grumbles, "on one condition."

I pick him up and put him on my shoulder, Luci scampering up me to perch on my other.

I beam. "Isn't this great? The three amigos, facing the great unknown."

"No, no, no!" Elfo flails, "this isn't the condition. Put me down!"

"Okay, geez," I dump him on the ground.
"What's your condition, then?"

"That when I drink too much, you guys carry me home, instead of leaving me at a nudist colony or monastery."

"Or both." Luci interjects.

"Oh, oh, I remember that!" Bean hooted, "That was genius, Luci."

"Thank you," Luci bows magnanimously, "I try."

Elfo scoffs.

"What was that, Elfo?" Luci taunts.

Elfo crosses his arms. "Nothing. It was nothing."

"'Nothing' sounded a lot like a hairball."

"That's rich coming from a talking cat!"

I ignore their bickering and sweep my gaze over the street, searching for a decrepit, dingy bar.

There's a ruckus coming from a dimly lit doorway. I shove the brawlers aside and enter.

"Excuse me," Elfo huffs, jumping over a prone body.

I take the stairs two at a time, my heavy boots thudding in time with the rhythm coming from further inside.

Luci scampers up the bannister. He pauses at the top before hopping down and throwing the door open.

"Welcome to your home away from home, you degenerates!"