Modern Desires

Where the Bean is, the beer isn't

Bean

"Woaah!"

I tumble through the portal. My body is weightless and floating, like in my most embarrassing dreams. The only difference is that there are no mermaids here, in the void between worlds.

Dying really makes a girl think. I've done nothing but think since I arrived in Hell for the second time, and I realised that I should go for what I want. When we return to Dreamland, I'm going to take the crown from snotty little Derek and rule the kingdom properly.

Oh

Also, I'm going to save my dad. Despite what the kingdom thinks, I didn't try to kill him with the Stience gun. Or stab him with a dagger. Stupid Odval and the Druidess are to blame, really. I tried to save Zog.

But now he's in danger, possibly already dead, and I was burnt at the stake. I'm dead, or I was, or I still am. It's confusing. We're not in Hell anymore, but this emptiness makes me think too much. I prefer the screaming and fires of Hell. After a while, being in Hell was like being drunk or hanging out at the Palace of Wonders before Elfo's giantess not-girlfriend smashed the roof. I didn't have to think about the family curse, my psycho mum, or my difficult dad.

Or how Luci gave up his immortality for a bunch of low-lifes like me and Elfo.

I'm spat out onto hard, crumbly rock. There's a roaring in my head, like a hundred vicious lions baying for blood. I stagger to my feet, struggling to adjust to gravity after the weightlessness of the void.

"I hate gravity," I grumble, "and not being able to hear myself talk."

A massive force slams into me, throwing me to the ground. I lose consciousness immediately.

I wake up in a flat, hard bed. A harsh beeping wheedles into my brain. It peeters out into sounds of choking.

They sound familiar.

I open my eyes and see Luci with a strangle-hold on Elfo, who is valiently still making beeping sounds.

I cough and wince at the pain it sends through my ribs.

Both boys turn to me.

"BEAN!" They shout simultaneously, and I smile.

"Hey guys," I say weakly, "where are we?"

"Heh," Luci chuckles awkwardly, "there was a little complication."

"A little complication?" My stomach sinks, "We're not in Dreamland, are we?"

"Bean, we're in Steamland," Elfo says, a serious look on his little face.

"You were run over by a guy in a metal horse," Luci interjects, "He said sorry, but it didn't seem like an accident."

"Guys, guys," I laugh, "that's not a metal horse. It's a steam carriage powered by Stience. A stience carriage. I saw lots of them when I went to Steamland."

A maid comes in, carrying a stack of papers.

"How are you feeling, Tiabeanie?" She asks me, "You took a nasty hit from Mr. Fairweather's car. He's in the waiting room to discuss the matter of paying your hospital bill."

She drops the papers in my lap. I stare at her. Steamland people sure speak an entirely different language to Dreamland. The only word I understood was-

"Paying?" Luci hisses in my ear, "time to scram, Bean. Wait until she leaves the room, and then we'll jump out the window."

I smile tightly at the maid. "Thank you. That'll be all."

The maid raises her eyebrows but departs promptly.

I leap out of bed. Elfo is already at the nearest window, pawing at the strange curtains. They're thin wooden slats, installed vertically, like... like prison bars.

"If I didn't know any better," Elfo giggles, "I'd think we're in prison."

"Shut up, Elfo," I hiss, "the guards will hear us."

We manage to open the curtains, to expose a huge expanse of sky, no ground in sight.

"Dammit," Luci curses, "we're in a tower."

We slip out the door of my room, ending up in a bright white hallway. I can't see where it ends.

"There!" Luci points at a stairwell to our right. We dash down it.

"Isn't it freaky how uniform and safe these steps are?" Luci asks me.

"Yeah!" Elfo cuts in, "They're like chocolate bars stacked like stairs!"

"Why does everything have to be candy with you?" Luci grumbles.

"Guys, shut up and look!" I point at the end of the stairs.

"Nice," Luci says.

We slam open the heavy double doors the lead from the stairwell, and see a bar and a door.

I beeline towards the bar, which, disappointingly, is missing stools. I tap the counter impatiently.

"Ma'am, " I say, "Ma'am, where are your barstools?"

The bar owner behind the counter looks up, pissed-off. "Pardon me?"

"Nevermind that, okay." I wave dismissively, "Can I have a Bitterbeer to go?"

"This isn't a bar," the bar owner grits out, "this is a hospital. Most of our 'customers' are here because of bars."

She raises one razor-thin eyebrow. "Do you have an appointment? If not, please leave."

Luci hollers "Bean!" from the exit, and I grudgingly trudge over to him and Elfo, who is stuffing bright slips of paper down his shirt.

"Let's go guys," I sigh, "they don't serve beer here."