Modern Desires

Cramping is better with friends and mortal enemies

Elfo

Mike plucks one of the colourful slips of paper I stole from the tower and opens it.

"This is a brochure of the campground," he explains, "there's even a map that shows you how to get there."

Bean, Luci and I peer over his shoulder.
"That's a map?" Bean says, " Where's the X?"

Mike whips out a thin, featherless quill from somewhere in his pants and scribbles a large X.

"There's your X," he says, "I'm going to head off now. I've got a nice, warm bed waiting for me."

"Can I come with you, Mike?" Bean squeezes his hands.

"Uhh," he tries to pull his hands out of her grip, "Sorry, Bean."

She releases him, her face falling. He runs away.

I holler after him, "And good riddance!"

"Bean, why do you always go for the cowards?" I ask her, "this one didn't want you to meet his bed, let alone his parents."

"Hey, Elfo," Luci taunts, "Why are you complaining? If her type is cowards, you're definitely a prime candidate."

Bean sighs, hands on hips, "Come on, guys, my type isn't cowards. And, if it was, Elfo still wouldn't be an option."

The tips of my ears get warm. "Why not? Are you too good for me, Bean?"

She chortles, "Uh, yes."

"Damn!" Luci crows.

"What a bunch of horrible friends you two are," I grumble.

"We're all you have, buddy," Luci pokes me with his tail.

I wish he didn't have a point.

"Ahem!" I clear my throat and rattle the map, "we need to find the cramping ground before moonrise."

"Camping ground, Elfo," Bean corrects.

"You call it camping, I call it cramping."

Luci scampers off, scatting. "doo dwop."

"Luci!" Bean shouts, "where are you going?"

"It's this way, numbskulls. Just follow old Luci. My sense of direction is impeccable!"

"Urgh," I grumble, "He's going the wrong way. It's this way."

I start walking in the opposite direction. After a few corners, I'm staring into the dark maw of an alleyway.

Deja vu hits me. There are dodgy alleys just like this in Dreamland. Until a few years ago, in Elfwood, too. King Rulo wanted to tackle the candy cane stabbings and sherbet deals, so he ordered all alleys to be bordered up. Elfwood became boring and tedious after that. To get the same thrill, I became involved with Rulo's daughter, Kissy. On the side, I had myself a slice of Weirdo pie. I don't know why, but he just does it for me.

I'm reminded of Weirdo when a thin, raspy cry comes from the shadows.

"OI!" A high-pitched voice screams, "stop squirmin'!"

"Chuckles?" I ask, "the creepy wooden puppet with anger issues? What are you doing here?"

"I'm Freckles!" He screams, "I'm gonna murder you!"

"Ahh!" I cry and dash from the scene.

Freckles scares me. He's like Luci but eviler. If that's even possible. Luci is pretty evil.

I look around a realise I'm lost.

No, no, I'm not lost. I've got a map.

Wait. It's upside down.

Okay. Okay. It's the right way now.

I'm even more lost than I thought.

Bean! Luci! I'm sorry. You were right. I crumple onto the ground, the cold, wet ground, sobbing. The map I wrap around myself like a blanket. Raindrops sodden it, and it falls apart.

I don't know how long it is before strong, warm hands pick me up. They pick the paste-like paper mulch off me. They cradle me affectionately.

I trace their callouses in what I hope is a sexy way. I take a moment before I look up into my saviour's face, proclaiming; "Bean! I always knew you loved me!"

"Sorry to disappoint," a posh, nasally voice says, "I'm not Bean. Do you know where she is, though? I'm looking for her."

"Alva," I sigh, "stop looking for Bean. She doesn't want you. She doesn't even like you."

"And what, she likes you?" Alva scoffs, "yeah, right."

"She tolerates me, at least."

"She tolerates you like she tolerates Sea Trogs," Alva retorts.

"Okay, okay," Bean emerges from the darkness, "let's stop fighting over who disgusts me more. You both disgust me equally."