DUTY (Fanfic Reiner)

Guilt

What... what happened?

I don't remember anything, nothing from that moment.

Bertholdt was there.

Yes.

He said something to me, and that's how I managed to escape from the explosion.

But...

And now?

Where is he?

My head hurts...

I hope the mission is over, I want to go back home.

Return and forget it all.

Everything I've lived through these years and above all...

Forget her

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I was told we can't save Bertholdt, that there's nothing we can do. They left him there. They left him with those demons. Besides, he's most likely dead. And it's all my fault. If only that day I had decided to abort the mission and return to Marley...

None of this would have happened.

It's all my fault.

I still don't understand why I got attached to those people. I don't know if they deceived me or if I was just a complete fool. Maybe both options are true.

I'm sorry, Bertholdt, for leaving you alone facing that tragic future.

The mission to retrieve the Founding Titan failed. Of the four warriors, in the end, only I came back. Am I a good warrior? I don't think so. Honestly, I wish that Titan from outside the walls that day had devoured me instead of Marcel. Well, I should have never obtained the power of the Armored Titan. Because everything has ended up like this, everything has gone wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up making some drastic decision again.

And if that's the case, I'll accept it.

The demons of the island clouded my mind and judgment, and that's why I ended up like this. Completely lost.

Now I have to accept the consequences of my actions and understand that I'm no longer a soldier. I won't become one again either. I'm an honorable warrior who has failed. But when Marley retrieves the Founding Titan, I'll be able to rest, everything will turn out fine for humanity. Eren will also be able to rest, as he has been burdened with a power too great for him and shouldn't have had it.

Everything will return to normal, right?

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No matter how hard I try to clear my mind, I can't. Every night, nightmares appear, making me feel miserable. But there are also good dreams, though not necessarily. I don't want to dream about it, not even to enjoy it. I deserve to feel guilty because I am. I want to stop dreaming about her. I want to stop thinking about her.

She hates me.

And I should hate her too. After all, she's a demon. But with so many responsibilities, occasionally getting distracted by remembering old moments feels good. She makes me feel good.

But I don't even want to mention her name.

I don't want to cling to the past.

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I know Porco is angry with me, but there's nothing I can do. I'd like to tell him what really happened on the mission, but no, I won't. Maybe he was the chosen one and should have obtained the Titan power, but I can't tell him that. I have to protect the only ones I can still protect—those kids who will soon begin their training to become warriors.

I feel suffocated; I wish I could explain the whole truth about Paradis. To tell everyone what I truly experienced.

I admit that maybe they are not demons, though I've known it ever since I joined the troop. I have to pretend that I hate them when, in reality, the one I hate the most is myself.

It bothers me when someone speaks contemptuously about them, but I don't show it. For some reason, I imagine they're insulting her directly. And she doesn't deserve that at all. If only they could get to know her, they would realize it.

I don't think I can ever get that out of my mind.

And I have to admit that I still love her.